I’m serious about the need, the want, the desire to build a better me through faith and worship, but being only the second day of my new path I’m really not good at it.
I’ve always assumed I was not wanted in any social setting. I’m socially inept. I’m also awkward, tired, and confidence-challenged. I don’t know where I fit in. I worry too immensely, too intensely what others think of me.
That awkward moment when you find Jesus, and he’s the only one who loves you, this you know.
I have made friends over the years, but I find ways to either alienate them or push them away. I’ve been known to become quite obsessed with friends at times.
Social networking is a double edged sword. I can say I have X number of friends or followers. I can like and comment and share and retweet posts all day long–until I realize no one cares and the original poster has unfriended me or maybe blocked me for following too much.
But being blocked on Facebook is nothing compared to being the butt of a joke or being left out of an inside joke. It is nothing compared to being completely alone in a room full of people. It is nothing compared to being publicly ridiculed. Bullying takes many forms.
I supposed I overreact. I suppose it does not matter. I’m exhausted. I’m exhausting. I’m unsure of myself, my footing, my life. I need to learn to let go and let God, as the ubiquitous they assert.