While I cannot currently discuss the reasons for the most recent and truly final disruption of marital bliss, I had thought that removing his name from my posts (not the events and his role in them, but just his name) was some sort of cathartic process, like I could reduce ten years of I love yous and scandalous sexual encounters to a simple flippant phrasing, out of context and unnamed. I should have known better.
Since Saturday, or perhaps it was Friday night, I have been systematically editing all of the posts on this blog to make it live again. While I will never again have a relationship with the man I had loved for the better part of this last decade, I cannot help but draw parallels between my foolish attempt at removing his given name from old posts and the science fiction brainwashing experienced by Jim Carrey’s character in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
Thus, dear readers, I came to a point tonight where I was tired and said, “Fuckitall!” while hitting the “publish all” button in my drafts folder. The only remaining drafts at that point–180–were from prior to our initial separation. Most of the mentions of his name at that point were either ranting about basic spousal disappointments (he didn’t appreciate when I did blah blah blah) or raving about how obsessively in love I
I still intend to remove his name from all of those at some point, if only for consistency’s sake now, but I am tired and have to work in the morning. I want my blog live again, and I want to use it in the same capacity as before–an outlet for anger and amorous feelings, from an audience which can judge all it wants without actually hurting me.
Right now, though, I am falling asleep at the keyboard. I’m going to make sure my offspring are all tucked safely and warmly into their various beds (they all seem to be, but the middle one is an a defiant phase). After checking on kiddos, I’m sleeping.
Taylor Swift–We are never, ever, ever getting back together. We are never, ever, ever getting back together. You go talk to your friends, talk to my friends, talk to me, but we are never, ever, ever, ever getting back together, like, ever…
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