Journey and Jealousy

The Journey

Hello readers. I know…I know…where the hell have I been all your lives…or at least since my last post?

As you all may well remember, in late June I found myself back in Texas, struggling to keep my babies happy and entertained while I finished an online course, started another, and tried to find work in the Lonestar State. I did, in fact, land two in person interviews and one phone interview while I was there. Neither came to fruition. Multiple other phone calls/emails resulted in no further interaction with inquiring parties. I may well have actually landed the newspaper job I drove all the way to Jacksboro, TX for, but they needed a lot more time to make the decision than I was able to give them given my own circumstances.

You see, once back in Texas I made the perhaps desperate and lonely but perhaps simply logical and necessary decision to reestablish contact with the father of my children, my legal spouse, the infamous (at least on here) Lord Moldywort. It started out innocently enough, or maybe not. I was ranting at him for making his internet friends on facebook think that I was deliberately keeping him from making any contact at all when, in fact, in spite of my rage and frustration and what some claim are venomous posts on here, the only place I had actually banned him was my personal real facebook profile.

The online chatting culminated in a weekend trip to Texas from Arkansas for him, funded by a benevolent family member of his. While he was in town, we spent time together as a family, something we hadn’t done in a long, long time. Our daughters were beaming from ear to ear, refusing to let him out of their site. We went out to eat, went to a park for a picnic, spent some time with his paternal grandparents, drove around talking, and even had a night of just he and I without the girls to sit and discuss a lot of things we should have discussed a long time ago.

I suppose it is not my story to tell, but it bears mentioning that he actually opened up to me emotionally for the first time in a very long time. I actually saw in his eyes, his actions, his caresses, and his tears how much he loved and cared for me and our children. I understood how much hurt he had been through in the last year, even if I do still understand where he and I both went wrong and what role he played in his own pain over the last year.

For the weekend he was in town, we had three nights of being a couple and four days of being a family. It was magical, and his parting left us all in tears. Even Freya, who showed few signs of missing him during the last thirteen months, moped about in his absence for a while.

I realized once we had that weekend, that I couldn’t keep doing this. I couldn’t keep struggling on my own and resenting him for the things he had done wrong in the past. I couldn’t keep pursuing dead end physical relationships with random losers in my rare times away from the children. I couldn’t keep crying alone at night, in silent tears. I had to figure out a way to work through things.

The husband and I talked more online and, suddenly, I found myself driving back to Arkansas along familiar highways in the middle of the night with my car again loaded with everything I could fit inside, mostly things for the children. I was unaware of exactly what I would find upon arrival, since he had informed me of a variety of differences in the condition and occupancy of the household. Still, I felt like I was heading home somehow. A feeling I hadn’t really felt in over a year.

Upon arrival, I sat in my parked car crying for several minutes as the kids slept.

Jealousy

You may well remember my post about polyamory and why I felt it was something I could fit right into.

This is where things get sticky…

Aside from a few roommates who ended up moving out not long after my arrival and a pest control issue that is now rapidly coming back under control and a clutter issue which is also rapidly being resolved…there was the issue of his latest live-in girlfriend.

According to El Diablo Carazon, she is only the second woman he has actually had living with him, but according to mi esposo she only lived here part-time, spending the other part of the time with family in another town. I talked with her online before I came back. We discussed all kinds of arrangements from her leaving altogether or me never returning to various roommate situations but, ultimately, we all decided that the only satisfactory arrangement was for us to attempt to live as a polyamorous triad, at least on a trial basis.

See, I love my husband. Oh, I know, I lied to you all to save face. I told you all that I was no longer in love with him, that I never had been, that I knew he never truly loved me, that the fucking Earth moon rotated around Pluto…it was all lies. We do love each other. We both took this year rather hard. He fell into a depression and allowed numerous people to take advantage of him. I fell back into old ways. It seems we are better people together than apart, and now that a years’ separation has taught us the power of communication and honesty we’re even better.

The girlfriend is another issue. She’s nice enough, attractive, and since we’re both bi it seemed like we’d all be able to work together in both domestic and intimate ways. She got a job right before I came back and works there part-time. We reasoned that I’d be getting a job soon too, that Mr. Meanjeans could stay home with mine and his children and go to his conventions for a little side cash now and again. We discussed rules and boundaries and jealousy issues and all of things that a “normal” couple would discuss, only this was a triad.

We all extensively researched the concept and the different ways of forming and arranging it. We all discussed our feelings about outside partners, dating, sex, child-rearing (my cubs are MINE and I’m quite territorial about that), and a slew of other important topics.

We thought we had a lot figured out. We thought we could do this. So I came back.

Strangely enough, I’m not the one that’s having the majority of the jealousy issues. I thought it might be difficult for me, seeing my husband loving all up on another woman, but I’ve gotten to the point where I understand that I am a whole person, that I don’t need another person to complete me. We decided that PDA was not okay beyond the sort of innocent interactions anyone can do (hugging, pecking, hand-holding, cuddling). We decided that bedroom time would be spontaneous and include whichever parties were interested, but that we all had control over our own bodies. I explained to her that he is no one’s man but his own cause she kept using the phrase “my man” in our online interactions.

I’ve been back for a couple of weeks. In that time, we have managed to make a lot of progress in cleaning and reorganizing the household. We have had fun together. We have comforted each other. But something is not right. She keeps getting randomly jealous of my interaction with my own husband. She keeps insisting that he spends too much time with me and not enough with her. She keeps moping about and blaming her feelings on supernatural things and only communicating through Yahoo IM. She keeps sending him long paragraphs rather than talking openly as a group as we’d discussed would need to happen.

I do not want to push her away. I do not want to hurt anyone. We’ve mostly been working great on a domestic level. But I cannot have negativity around the children. While they have no idea what happens in our bedroom (as should be the case for any children), they do understand the differences between positive and negative emotions. They can pick up on when people are hurting, when people are angry, and when people are sad or afraid. I want them to live in a happy, healthy loving family environment, regardless of the number of parents and siblings involved.

I keep finding myself feeling like I should pull away from intimacy with my own husband because girlfriend has negative feelings about it all. I don’t like that feeling. I wish that I could help girlfriend, but I’ve tried both talking it over and showing her physical affection and neither seems to permanently perk up her spirits. I know we are knew to this experience, and I suppose that’s why I don’t want to give up on it all just yet, but everyone knows that I’m not leaving. Everyone knows that I will stay here and graduate on August 11 and work (xxcrossfingersxx I may be teaching soon) and write and love my children and my husband. I had hoped that love could flow between girlfriend and I too. It seems like we’re more likely going to be at odds.

Last night I watched a bunny play in the front yard and felt the peace of the moon and stars and a quiet cul de sac again. I realized how much I’d missed this house and my life here. I missed my friends and my opportunities and my husband. I missed cleaning randomly at three in the morning. Since I’ve been gone I haven’t truly had privacy, space, or the right to make my own decisions about what happens in and to my living area. Now that I have this back, I’m not giving up on it again. I hope that we can either work through girlfriend’s jealousy issues, or help girlfriend move on peacefully.

Alicia Keys–And you say that you feel I’m the best thing in your life, and I know it’s real, I see it in your eyes. There’s no reason for me to even feel this way. I know you just enjoy her company.

Avril Lavigne–Hey, hey, you, you, I don’t like your girlfriend. No way, no way, I think you need a new one.
View the full blog at heartchasms.blogspot.com and like the blog on Facebook.

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