But I digress…
I will, dear readers, eventually get to the point of this post, the crux, the essential, the title topic…eventually. If I may, though, be permitted a serious digression in the form of several paragraphs which may well be oversimplifying the last month or so of my life.
You see, I was minding my own business and working hard at my job, taking occasional breaks from reality to hang out with a new but dear friend, when I was thrown a curveball of sorts. I will not explain the details of the curveball for reasons of a personal nature, but suffice to say that it taught me that those I thought I could trust and rely upon were not who they seemed. The dear friend I mentioned was still someone I could trust, but I couldn’t lean on him to help me with anything more than moral support in my sudden time of need.
Perhaps someone had switched on a panic button in my brain, perhaps I wasn’t necessarily thinking quite rationally in the beginning, but I knew I had to make major changes in the way I was living my life if I wanted to protect myself and my children.From the day of the event, which was a Thursday at the end of February, I began cleaning, sorting, and organizing my belongings and making some major decisions. By Saturday night, or rather quite early Sunday morning, I had most of our belongings tucked away in the trunk of the car and in a Uhaul. I knew where I was going. I also knew I couldn’t tell anyone.
You see, part of realizing that people you thought you could trust had let you down is realizing that you shouldn’t trust anyone with delicate information. I planned a route, figured out the funds necessary, and made the journey. Along the way there were many stalling points, such as Freya’s sudden onset illness while visiting my sister (she was perfectly fine then spiked 105 fever with rapid dehydration; the next morning she was fine again but on prescription medications and we were on our way). I allowed my sister and her husband to talk me into heading South into Texas rather than another route I’d planned.
“Go see the family!” they pleaded.
I did see the family, but the time I spent there reaffirmed my need to continue on my previously chosen path. You see, I know that my family does love me and my girls. I also know that sometimes that love is channeled into making judgements. I also know that sometimes they cannot provide the kinds of help I might need. I was not turned away, of course, but I was given options that weren’t optimal. I chose to keep going; that probably upset some people. I wasn’t trying to hurt anyone.
Along my route, I stopped and visited friends. The girls had plenty of stops to run to their little hearts’ contents and play with newly acquired friends. I spent more money than I’d meant to on lodging and sustenance and the occasional souvenir. I tried to make the journey be a fun road-trip for the girls. I didn’t want them to see stress or worry in their mommy.
We drove through Arkansas. I was tense the whole way. I had planned to lodge for the night in Little Rock. Two hours South of LR, I contacted their father and told him he could meet us there. Our old home was a few hours West of LR. He spent three hours arguing with me on the phone about why he could not possibly drive to see his own children. The hotel we ended up stopping at was an hour East of LR. Since he’d said he wasn’t coming, I simply got the girls ready for bed.
The next morning, I sent a text saying we would keep driving; I didn’t see his reply til we were another hour or so even further East. He had started claiming that he would pay my gas money, buy us a room in a hotel for the night, and give me even more gas money if I would turn back around and end up in our old town.
Knowing that by now his word is about as good as that of a crackhead saying he’ll watch your house and not steal anything for crack money, I was understandably skeptical about anything he said to me. I told him that I doubted he would hand me upwards of $300 and at any rate by the time I’d gotten his message it would have been an 8hr round trip just to visit, let alone the added gas money and time for visiting and such…if he couldn’t be bothered to visit his kids on my terms I would not allow him to bully and guilt me into doing it on his.
I was, also, quite terrified that he would find some way to snatch them and keep them from me. He does not have their best interests at heart but he was armed with misinformation from others and might have tried something had I given him the opportunity.
Once I arrived safely at my destination, unloaded my belongings, returned the Uhaul, and got a chance to rest, I set about looking for work. I did find a job here. It wasn’t a terrible one, but I could not meet the expectations of my employer so we parted company. I was there long enough to earn two very small paychecks (only one full shift on each check), the first of which I received and cashed just today. I am still actively seeking gainful employment, but my priorities are of course to take the best care I can of these children in the meanwhile.
I have filed paperwork to have them enrolled in school as soon as possible. I am looking into local programs, such as the women’s crisis center, because we do need to work through the problems that my spending eight years under husband’s abusive control have given me and the girls. We will get through this time in our lives just as we have other trials and tribulations. Ten months away from him has already done wonders for my health and my physique. Another ten months and my psyche may well be repaired.
Back to that thing about men working…
While we were on the road trip, I kept seeing “Men Working” signs at all of the road construction points. We’ve all heard the old saw about men working and it being an oxymoron and blah blah blah insult the entire gender…but the reality is that some men really are quite good at working. Some men (like my close friend from Arizona who is no longer geographically close) are no strangers to hard work and love to do responsible things like pay bills and bring home the proverbial bacon and dote on their lovers. Other men (like the man I’m still unfortunately legally married to but no longer have any love for) avoid hard work whenever possible, complain about hard work when it comes to them, spend money on themselves before spending it on responsible things, and only occasionally shower their loved ones with gifts, and then only to make up for wrongdoings.
So what’s next?
I will not advertise my current location, but apparently the beans were spilt for me by others…trust no one doesn’t seem like such a crazy mantra these days…I know that he still reads this blog religiously. I did reblock him from my facebook (as well as a few other people). I am trying to take care of myself and the girls. He has no desire to send a dime to them for any reason and only contacts me when he wants to complain about something or attempt to belittle me or scare me in some way. He keeps saying he needs my address; he does not. If he magically got the money to file for divorce while simultaneously telling me he cannot afford to send money or merchandise to his own children, then he can file and I’ll be found by the powers that be if they need to find me.
I want to continue blogging on a regular basis; I want to get back to daily postings. I want to keep writing in general and publish more books (if you haven’t yet purchased your copies of my two already published books, now’s the time, people!). Since moving out here, I have earned $95 on independent writing/editing jobs. One payment went to cover an overdraft on my account. The other will probably put gasoline in my car. Someday I’d like to put my freelance writing money towards frivolous expenditures, but for now I’d like to just earn enough to keep my kids in clothing and with full bellies.
The girls are okay. Since moving, they have made several new friends and had several fun adventures. So have I. In time, our wounds will heal.
The people who set things into motion that lead to our second cross-country journey in less than a year will come to understand that what they did was wrong. I am not out for revenge. In fact, I’m not even out for revenge against the man who cheated on me, abused me, mistreated me, lied to me, bilked me out of thousands of dollars in federal student loans, and left me penniless and veritably homeless ten months ago. I feel like karma bitch-slapped him when his first post-me live-in girlfriend supposedly cheated on him and then left him after stealing from him. I haven’t heard her side of the story, but I’ve come to a point where I am actually on her side in this whole thing. I don’t know her now any more than I did back when I was calling her all kinds of bitch and hoe. Still, I think now that she and I have something major in common: we both lived through life with this man and survived. We’re kindred spirits in that way, but she was smarter than I was–she only put up with his bullshit for two months and it took me eight years.
De Debil aside, I need to wrap up another “loose end” from recent months. If you all remember, I was gushing and blushing over a dipshit I met on the internet for a while there. I thought I’d fallen in love even though we’d never actually met, and he’d gotten into my girls’ hearts through our video chats as well. Fortunately they got over him quickly. I actually did too, but I had to get angry first. When I made the cross-country journey, instead of telling me to come to him for shelter from the storm or at least being a proverbial shoulder to cry on, he told me that he couldn’t take me in and that if I went anywhere else but where I was we’d never be able to happen. Then, knowing I was driving cross-country with two small children, he had the gall to get pissed off at me for not having called him during that journey. When I got to my destination, I found out he had moved in with another woman. Tonight, on Facebook, I found out she’s pregnant.
Congratulations to her. I hope they’re happy together. I just wish that I’d never set my heart’s focus on this guy at all. Yes, he provided a welcome distraction from my mixed (at the time) feelings for mi esposo, but I never should have gotten so caught up in the false promises of a cyberspace Casanova. I also shouldn’t have let my confusing feelings toward an internet romancer keep me from delving more deeply into the friendship I was developing with my close and then-local friend. Now I’m so far away from my Arizona friend that we will probably never be anything more than that because experience has taught me time and again that long distance relationships NEVER work. Just look at internet guy and I. Just look at husband and I. How many times did he cheat on me while one of us was living or visiting another place? Yeah…I lost count too…It really was too soon after my husband to start dating, but Arizona brought so many wonderful opportunities at first that I thought finding the true love of my life (either online or in person) was truly a distinct possibility.
Now I’m back to focusing on my career and my education (and yes I really fucked up on the education front this semester, but I still only have one class and one exam left and I’ll finish those eventually; I have six years from last January after all). I’m back to sending out resume after resume after resume to land that perfect job in mine or a related field. I’m back to making contacts in my field. I’m back to writing for writing’s sake and then trying to get those jewels published for monetary gain cause I need to for my girls’ sake. I’m back to knowing that if I’m not a 10 then I’m at least a 9.9 and anyone who doesn’t see that isn’t worth my time.
If you or someone you know would like to help me in my endeavors, here’s a list of things you can do:
- Buy my books.
- Tell everyone you know to buy my books.
- Read and comment on every entry on my blog.
- Share your favorite entries all over your social networks.
- Share links to my books all over your social networks.
- Send me donations in the form of PayPal USD or legitimate money orders.
- Send me words of encouragement.
- Call your local bookstores and demand that they carry my books.
- Ask your libraries to carry my books.
- Build a shrine to me in your basement and light candles daily in the hopes that I’ll become wealthy and famous and still like you.
Okay, maybe that last one is going a bit too far…but you get the picture…I don’t have to worry about the ancient quandary of whether and how much men work…I am a woman and both capable and willing to work hard. So even if I end up back in retail or down some new hellish path like factory or construction or human resources…even then I’ll work hard and do my level best and bring the pep to work daily. Even then I’ll show up dressed to the nines (or maybe the five point eights if the job requires it). Even then I’ll doll myself up and put my best foot forward (followed by the second best so that this whole walking thing occurs and propels me onward in my journey).
In the meanwhile, I’m going to get off of teh interwebs and sort through laundry so that the tiny aforementioned paycheck can be put to decent use as quarters for industrial machines. If there’s anything at all I miss about living with the husband, it would be my washer and dryer…Goodnight loyal readers and please remember to comment!
View the full blog at heartchasms.blogspot.com and like the blog on Facebook.