Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, various species of kelp, I am excited to announce a new development in my life!
Just this morning, while on my daily 19-mile jog along the shore of Lake Superior, I happened to run into a very distinguished looking gentleman of wealthy means. Once I’d apologized to him for nearly knocking the wind out of him and helped him dust off his ridiculously anomalous tweed jogging suit, we made our formal introductions as we jogged along together (he seemed to have forgotten he’d been jogging in an opposing direction to my own daily routine.
He was strikingly handsome, what with the fully receded hairline and the liver spots on his shiny scalp. His charcoal eyes beneath the wire-rimmed spectacles squinted at me in the dawning sun. I could tell, too, that he appreciated my leopard-print spandex and the way my numerous rolls bounced with every thrust of foot on shoreline.
By the time my daily jog had finished, he and I had become fast friends. We had so many things in common, from our mutual love of saturated fats to our fantasy of a pool filled to the brim with freshly tapped maple syrup and flotation devices fashioned exclusively out of squared waffles fastened together with edible twine.
As we made our way to our respective modes of transportation (mine of course being a horse-drawn carriage decorated in glitter and hot-pink chiffon and his being a stretch Dodge Monaco), he reached into his waistband and appeared to be rudely adjusting himself in front of me; I tried to avert my eyes but couldn’t help but wonder what sort of package a man like this could have for me to unwrap…that’s when I noticed him pulling something out and stared, aghast, when I realized that he’d actually been rummaging in a hidden pocket for a small black-velvet-lined box.
The box he trust into my hands, somewhat impatiently and said, quite romantically, “We might as well.”
Inside this tiny treasure chest I found the most beautiful ring I had ever seen in my life; I’d post a picture but the gemstones are so shiny and precious that even a camera without a built-in flash would find a way to cause a glare and do them no justice. This ring makes anything you’ve ever seen before look ugly by comparison.
Anyway…the wedding is planned for the next February blue moon. I expect all of you to attend. His name is George and he has promised to share his wealth with me as soon as our fifteenth biological child together is born. To expedite the process, I’ve already begun looking into disreputable fertility doctors who would be willing to implant quindecuplets initially and go from there.
I have already moved into one of his mansions (the location of which I cannot fully disclose due to the paparazzi and such). I am happy with my new life and am looking forward to our future together. George has promised to take me around the world in eighty days (give or take). I’ll start mailing out the wedding and baby shower invitations just as soon as I can figure out the exchange rates in…oops…I’ve said too much…
PS. Happy April Fools Day, dear readers!
View the full blog at heartchasms.blogspot.com and like the blog on Facebook.