Fast forward to now:
I am living alone in a 1.5 bedroom mobile home in the Arizona desert, two kids, no pets. In my fantasy world from years ago I was a bubbly housewife and dinner party hostess who also authored books and maybe taught classes and had a hit record deal–I don’t know…guess my immature mind didn’t have all the details worked out. I work odd and random shifts at a retail establishment that can take up to 45min to drive to. I have two books on the market that all of my supposed fans and followers are apparently too broke to afford.
While my estranged spouse has enjoyed these eight months of separation by dating again openly and actually having his lovers in what used to be our family home, I have been reticent to have relationships. I met one guy here in the summertime. Because of his work hours and my kids, we could only hang out at odd and random hours. He said I was still in love with my husband and that I should get over that immediately. He also said he wanted to be my next “baby daddy”…we are no longer friends.
On the Internet, and through mutual friends, I met boyfriend. He’s a nice guy, if a bit cocky and occasionally brooding. He wants a biological child of his own in the not to distant future (a subject over which there’s been much deliberation in my head due to the intrinsically difficult nature of caring for the two kids I already have). He wants to give up the work hard and play hard lifestyle to which he’s grown accustomed and instead grow accustomed to domestic life with me and the kids.
But in the months we’ve known each other, we have never met in person. It’s been vid chats and phone calls and texts and IMs…all of which were great but a girl craves more. If (hypothetically speaking, of course) I met another man here, perhaps on the job or something, we wouldn’t be able to have a real relationship anyway. I am very guarded about who gets to meet my precious angels and clandestine romances would not make the list.
Nathan has met the girls through vid chat. It was not my original plan, but it so happened that they adored him and he them. One night Freya woke up sick and cranky in the middle of a chat and he sang a lullaby to her. It warmed my heart but also made me angry that her biological male parental unit didn’t see the need to arrange his own vid chats with his babies. I don’t know what to do about the dating situation.
When I listened to “He Didn’t Have To Be” by Brad Paisley I used to only be able to relate to the kid loving his stepdad (although me and mine didn’t get along as often as adult me would have liked). Now I feel like I can relate to the mom as well (although surely my friends who have been in this situation a lot longer will think I’m making premature observations about the nature of this lifestyle that I didn’t particularly choose). I feel like my options in the dating world are limited.
There’s either low-rent rendezvous at the Airport Hilton or there’s technology-based dating. I don’t want to move someone in with my kids and then find out he’s a baby-raping monster or a crack addict. I don’t want to have some great guy in my kids’ lives who suddenly leaves again because if some issue with me. I want to share my most precious accomplishments with the special someone on my life, but I feel like maybe that’s wrong or at least misguided at this point.
What if they don’t like him? What if he hates them?
I don’t know if finalizing the divorce will ease my troubled mind, but perhaps taking that step will help a little. I am these girls’ only advocate in this world right now. I cannot let anyone or anything interfere with that. I know it has only been eight months since we separated and that it is too easy to rush headlong in to something new. I don’t think I have that luxury. I have to be cautious and careful for the girls’ sake. It really isn’t fair that the ex has already had (and lost) his first cohabitation experience post me yet I can’t even invite a potential lover over for dinner…Sent from my iPhone