We’ll Always Have The Airport Hilton

I never wanted to be a single mom. Some women do. They plan it. Not me. I wanted the husband, the 2.5 kids (we’d name the .5 kid Halfy and adore his half-formedness), the dog, the cat, the cars, the house…Living the suburban dream, lemme tell ya! But, instead, parts of my life went as planned and parts of it resembled scenes in “Suburban Nightmare” (the abuse and bickering, not the serial killing).

Fast forward to now:

I am living alone in a 1.5 bedroom mobile home in the Arizona desert, two kids, no pets. In my fantasy world from years ago I was a bubbly housewife and dinner party hostess who also authored books and maybe taught classes and had a hit record deal–I don’t know…guess my immature mind didn’t have all the details worked out. I work odd and random shifts at a retail establishment that can take up to 45min to drive to. I have two books on the market that all of my supposed fans and followers are apparently too broke to afford.

While my estranged spouse has enjoyed these eight months of separation by dating again openly and actually having his lovers in what used to be our family home, I have been reticent to have relationships. I met one guy here in the summertime. Because of his work hours and my kids, we could only hang out at odd and random hours. He said I was still in love with my husband and that I should get over that immediately. He also said he wanted to be my next “baby daddy”…we are no longer friends.

On the Internet, and through mutual friends, I met boyfriend. He’s a nice guy, if a bit cocky and occasionally brooding. He wants a biological child of his own in the not to distant future (a subject over which there’s been much deliberation in my head due to the intrinsically difficult nature of caring for the two kids I already have). He wants to give up the work hard and play hard lifestyle to which he’s grown accustomed and instead grow accustomed to domestic life with me and the kids.

But in the months we’ve known each other, we have never met in person. It’s been vid chats and phone calls and texts and IMs…all of which were great but a girl craves more. If (hypothetically speaking, of course) I met another man here, perhaps on the job or something, we wouldn’t be able to have a real relationship anyway. I am very guarded about who gets to meet my precious angels and clandestine romances would not make the list.

Nathan has met the girls through vid chat. It was not my original plan, but it so happened that they adored him and he them. One night Freya woke up sick and cranky in the middle of a chat and he sang a lullaby to her. It warmed my heart but also made me angry that her biological male parental unit didn’t see the need to arrange his own vid chats with his babies. I don’t know what to do about the dating situation.

When I listened to “He Didn’t Have To Be” by Brad Paisley I used to only be able to relate to the kid loving his stepdad (although me and mine didn’t get along as often as adult me would have liked). Now I feel like I can relate to the mom as well (although surely my friends who have been in this situation a lot longer will think I’m making premature observations about the nature of this lifestyle that I didn’t particularly choose). I feel like my options in the dating world are limited.

There’s either low-rent rendezvous at the Airport Hilton or there’s technology-based dating. I don’t want to move someone in with my kids and then find out he’s a baby-raping monster or a crack addict. I don’t want to have some great guy in my kids’ lives who suddenly leaves again because if some issue with me. I want to share my most precious accomplishments with the special someone on my life, but I feel like maybe that’s wrong or at least misguided at this point.

What if they don’t like him? What if he hates them?

I don’t know if finalizing the divorce will ease my troubled mind, but perhaps taking that step will help a little. I am these girls’ only advocate in this world right now. I cannot let anyone or anything interfere with that. I know it has only been eight months since we separated and that it is too easy to rush headlong in to something new. I don’t think I have that luxury. I have to be cautious and careful for the girls’ sake. It really isn’t fair that the ex has already had (and lost) his first cohabitation experience post me yet I can’t even invite a potential lover over for dinner…Sent from my iPhone

View the full blog at heartchasms.blogspot.com and like the blog on Facebook.

3 thoughts on “We’ll Always Have The Airport Hilton

  1. I remember when my children were babies and I was so angry, not at them but at their father, because he had total freedom to come and go as he please, live wherever he wanted, and move women into and out of his house without having to consider our children. I paid childcare, bought clothes, took them to the doctors, and stayed home from work when they were sick–often at a great risk to my employement security. He, I always felt, got off scot free. As my children moved from children to teenagers and the money needed to clothe and feed them increased, I felt even more anger at the man who not only didn’t come see his children but also who never bothered paying for the children. But now, many, many years later, my children are grown and have children of their own and I am who they call when they are in need or have a question. They see their father so rarely that my daughter doesn’t even list him as her father but list my husband as her father. I wish I could tell you that it gets easier, but it doesn’t. I wish I could tell you that in the end, the children will become adults and know that you were the best parent and he was the asshole and they will but not until they are well into their thirties. I wish I could tell you that at some point the father of your children will wake-up and want to be a part of their lives, but if he hasn’t come to see them by now, he isn’t going to make an effort later. They say, absence makes the heart grow stronger–that’s a crock of shit. Being a single parent is the most difficult thing in the world. You are alone and you will be the one to take responsibility for not only the good things but the screw ups as well. I cannot tell you the nights that I cried myself to sleep because I didn’t think I was going to have enough money to pay rent and buy food. My children and I lived a year in our apartment without electricity because I couldn’t pay the bill. So, we lived off of canned foods that I could cook on an outside grill and I bought an ice chest to keep our milk and eggs in. We took cold baths and used latterns that burned oil… and I had flashlights. almost a year to the date that they cut it off, someone found out and contacted someone who contacted someone else and my children and I came home from the babysitters one evening, and I noticed the doorbell was lit up. When I went in to the house, I turned the light switch on and we had light. I still do not know who paid the bill but two days later was Christmas and I felt like that person had given me the best gift in the world. In that year without lights, I begged their father to help me and he said, you should have paid the bill. I do so feel your pain. I know what you are going through and how you feel. I wish I could tell you it will get better but it doesn’t. But, what gets better is you. You gain strength and you learn to organize, and you learn to depend upon others and how to make a dollar stretch. You will come through this a much better person and he…well…he will only become worse. You can so do this.

  2. It will always seem that way because being a single parent is so hard and so time consuming and you just don’t have time for anything but work and kids. Plus, it’s lonely. Your girls are still so young, but in a few years, you will find more and more time for you. Take advantage of library programs and try and get a grant for you and the girls to go to a boys and girls club. when I had my grandson with us and he was just a baby, I signed up for every thing I could so that I could take him to the library and he would watch the puppet show and I could read. To the boys club, we both got exercise by swimming. I got him into a garden club so he could learn about plants but it gave me another hour of reading. NOw when I bring him and his younger sister up to my house, I plan their weekend for the most exercise they can get. Park two hours, hiking at Devils Den five hours. LOL. It works. You are going to be fine. I know it’s so hard, but you are going to look back on this and your girls will look back and they willl have wonderful stories to tell. You will have wonderful stories and knowledge to pass on. For your own good, you need to make sure you have time alone for something other than work. With that time, you don’t have to date; maybe you can go to the mall or find an art place or a book store to just slowly walk through. Or spend the night alone with candles and a warm tub of water and some scented oil and a good porn movie. You will be surprised at how much your mood will improve with an evening alone. and shame on your soon to be ex. I thought the other gender was evolving to be somebody…guess I was wrong. But good for you! You rock!

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