Recycled Love Songs

I promised you guys I wouldn’t talk about someone anymore, but it’s difficult not to. I got into a texting argument tonight. It was totally my fault–I never should have told him that his sweet, innocent, four year old daughter wanted me to mail drawings to him and that I would as soon as I had enough collected to justify the postage. That set him on a tangent about how much money he actually has right now and how he was getting sued (which it turns out was in reference to the office of child support enforcement who had finally gotten in touch with him; he disagrees with their assessment of his income and assets, all of which I wrote down based on what I knew to be true from first hand knowledge or him telling me). He says he planted a bug in the ear of a mutual friend so she would tell me all about how miserable his life was–presumably at this point so I would feel sorry for him and magically decide I don’t need any help providing for the children he sired. He says I threaten him every time we talk. He has that twisted.

I told him that my boyfriend and the girls are getting along so well, that they adore my boyfriend, that Luna wants him to move in with us, and Freya calls him “da da” of her own volition. His rant changed to basically him giving up legal rights. There’s an angle I never expected him to play–him signing them over to me without contesting just so he won’t owe a dime each month. If he did that, I wouldn’t keep him from seeing them, but he seems to think that we would drop off the face of the earth, that I would want that. Yes, with the way he’s been acting lately, it seems desirable, but I know Luna would be heartbroken if she never saw him again. She’d heal in time, but I’d worry that she’d internally blame me or herself for his permanent absence.

I can’t really worry about those things though. I have to focus on finishing my graduate school program. I have to work hard at my retail job and convince them that I am capable of doing great things so maybe I’ll be up for promotions in the future in case this higher education thing doesn’t pan out. I have to continue sending off writing samples and resumes and whoring myself out to small potatoes writing, editing, web design, and SEO jobs so maybe I’ll get my size 91/2 W foot in the proverbial door somewhere. I have to keep trying to get into a PhD program somewhere while simultaneously kissing ass and licking boots at various colleges and universities that may potentially hire me fresh out of my MA program. I have to keep waking up early every day and keep getting my babies off to school. I have to make sure that dishes and laundry are caught up and rescue My Little Ponies from the latrine. I have to hold fussy kids in the middle of the night and get a few less sleep hours because someone had a nightmare. I have to do all of the things I would have done anyway, because it’s my job as their mother.

I can’t expect the boyfriend to step in and magically fix everything, but I love the fact that he wants to try. Someday I won’t have to choose between toilet paper and eggs. At least I’ve become a decent enough couponer that my kids are fed and the little one’s diapered and we all have wet wipies for our bums. I just wish there were a wet wipie big enough to clean up the act on that bum I used to proudly call my husband. I wish that I hadn’t wasted eight years writing love songs for the wrong person, and since it’d be wrong to recycle them I’ll have to spend the next eighty years writing new ones for the true love of my life.

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4 thoughts on “Recycled Love Songs

  1. Your almost ex douche sounds like my ex douche. He did not pay child support and never came to see or even talk to my kids. At Christmas and their birthdays, I gave them gifts from him and from me until they were old enough to realize that those gifts were from me. He wanted me to allow him to give up his rights, but I said nope. One day, there will be justice and it happened when my daughter graduated. I was on disability because of being hit by a drunk driver and my attorney for the lawsuit against the drunk driver went after the kids dad. My son graduated and right afterwards, they hauled the douchebag to jail and would not let him out until he had made payment arrangements. For about fifteen years, I got huge checks from him that came every Friday or he went to jail. When my daughter was in her late twenties, he contacted her and my son and they met him for breakfast and he wanted to know why he was paying childsupport and they were grown, both said, because you owe it to our mom. Then, my daughter said, by the way, dad, my stepdad said, thanks for the new boots. Oh yeah baby. Pissed him off. Don’t let him get out of his responsibility. And, Ashley, you are right, your daughter will soon sort of forget, but as she gets older, there will be some memory there in the back of her mind, and someday, she will want to see him and will probably have no natural affection for him and the younger baby will grow up having no memory at all. So, make him pay and someday you will see justice in all of this. By the way, Arkansas really goes after child support like the hounds of hell after tea bagger. Okay, maybe the hounds of hell wouldn’t like a tea bagger, but you get my drift. Keep sending your applications out and check out the nearest college and try to get a job in the library or in the tutoring center. Let walmart folks know you can write. Read up on techincal writing: how to write business letters etc.

  2. I almost cried in the car the other day; Luna asked me if Nathan could move here and be her Daddy. I love that she and Freya have developed a fondness for him, but it breaks my heart that they can’t also have a great relationship with their biological father; even if he was horrible to me he could at least make an effort not to be with them.I was volunteering at a college tutoring center because they didn’t have any available paid positions, but I had to stop doing that in favor of the paycheck a retail job provides.

  3. I know this is hard and it is especially hard to hear the kids ask about him. But, believe me, they will stop. As far as the kids asking for a new daddy, all babies want mommies to be happy and to feel secure. So, it is logical that they want a new daddy. But, enter into a new relationship cautiously because now you have two little girls to consider: if your new relationship doesn’t last, they will be hurt again; also, you make sure that you know him before you allow him around your heart or your girls. Finally, rebound relationships are tranistional and you need to make sure you have an easy out, should something not sit well. So, move slowly. What are the big businesses in your area. Maybe you could apply for a business writing position. If you choose to do that, look at the Walton College Writing Center’s website. I will send you the link. Look under business documents: learn how to write those letters, memos, proposals, reports, etc. You can set your pay. But, before you apply for those positions, be ready to demonstrate your skills. So, know the discourse and show them you know it. Talk about an adjustment letter, and a claims letter and business discourse etc. It’s a good profession and pays damn good money.

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