The lady doth protest too much, methinks.

As I take this new journey in life–the one where my children and I walk alone unaided by their other biological parent–I find myself wondering how I came to be in this position. I’ve heard a lot of “I told you so”s and “you knew this could/would happen”s getting thrown around. Maybe they did and maybe I did…but it helps none.

During the four years of marriage (and largely the four years before that) I was the opposite of the queen in the play I quoted from to title this post. I did care very deeply for husband and had no desire to hook up with any others; however, his sudden replacement of me with a dirty děvka put a damper on any desire I had to possibly reconcile at some future date.

I have found myself caring very deeply again for someone, even though I haven’t interacted with that person in any way other than online. It’s actually safer that way; we can be ourselves completely, knowing that if the other person doesn’t like what they see/read/hear they can simply unfriend/delete/block. What’s not easy is dealing with my complex flood of emotions.

Knowing how disloyal and emotionally draining my spouse has been for the better part of a decade, I find it hard to see any other man as being anything better.

Any man who wants to consider himself on the list for second-husband material ought to consider that I will not settle for anything less than his loyalty and devotion to me. I will not be okay with him putting me on hold for someone else. I will not be okay with being nothing but a sexual object. I will not share. I will not be belittled nor berated.

I am not saying that men I’ve met in this chapter of my life have been the above–I just need it known what I will and won’t accept.

But it’s late and I’m tired.

— —-
Ashley Ann Eubanks, freelance writer

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