This Is My Unhappy Anniversary

In honor of my unhappy four year wedding anniversary, I dreamt yesterday that I’d somehow gained access to the old house, and had managed to successfully kick everyone out, only to turn around and sell the place. Weird things about this dream:

  • I sold the house piece by piece, not just the loose items like furniture, but everything–people were carting off walls and windows while I pocketed their cash.
  • The house was covered in graffiti and plywood like one of those abandoned buildings when I arrived there.
  • The occupants left on mopeds and returned on Harleys during the sale, glaring at me and trying to force me to sign a divorce decree without reading it; turned out it wasn’t even a legible document. The words were typed, but it didn’t say anything that made sense or that was relevant.
  • They were hanging out with a circus clown who wasn’t funny.
  • The kids (Luna and Freya, as well as the ones husband claims live with him) were nowhere to be found and none of us seemed concerned.

When I analyzed the dream later, I realized that there would be nothing satisfying about going back to that house. Chances are what he and his cronies and crones have done to the place is destroy the family home as I remember it. Even if they’ve managed to not break anything new, nothing would be where I had it, and foreign objects and bodies would be in rooms I remember differently. In my dream, I told his Whore of Babylon that I hoped she’d enjoyed sleeping on my sex stained sheets and othersuch nasty remarks…in reality I do not want to even meet her.

I want, at this point, to be divorced as quickly as possible so I can move on with my life. He hasn’t yet filed, though, and the soonest I might be able to afford it is January, assuming there’s money left after taking care of shelter and transportation costs.

The girls, though, need consistency in their lives. Either he needs to call/email/text/mail-letters-to them regularly (and, yes, I would read to them until they could read and let them watch vid diaries or listen to audio recordings reminiscent of if Krapp’s Last Tape if he sent them) and be a presence in their lives, as well as actually making an effort to visit them…or he needs to just not bother at all.

I have friends whose baby-daddies (or in some cases baby-mamas) never come ’round and the kids have grown up happy and well adjusted thanks to their rockin’ single parents or (sometimes) a joint effort between their biological parent and the wonderful person who didn’t have to be daddy/mommy but stepped in and stepped up. I wonder, sometimes, if that’s preferable to my friends whose kids have to see the other parent just often enough to miss them but not often enough to feel loved by them. Certainly the second-to-best situation would be him showing up in their lives quite often (even if it’s through technology) and being a positive influence on them, since the best situation would have been us being able to work through our problems and be the best mommy and daddy we could be together but that’s to never be ever again.

I wonder if he thinks about how he sounds when he makes excuses about the internet at the house being “broken” (more than likely he just didn’t pay the bill…), when I know that he has internet at this company and since he owns it there shouldn’t be anyone objecting if he chose to vid chat with his daughters for hours on end while periodically doing his job or objecting if he sits up at the shop at three in the morning recording vid diaries to email them or upload to a “Daddy Loves You” YouTube Channel where I could have them view and upload response vids at the very fucking least?

Meanwhile, because I am not a robot going through the mechanisms in life without feelings or substance, I have been talking to a very close friend online quite regularly because he makes me feel like a giddy schoolgirl again who has yet to see the aftermath of the supposed fairytale ending. He and I vid chat on a pretty-much daily basis, and for hours on end. But I’m simultaneously doing my homework, taking care of the babies, applying for jobs online, writing, etc. And he’s simultaneously fulfilling the requirements of his job because he is at work while we chat. And you know what? Luna and Freya wander in and out of the frame regularly because they want or need things from mommy, so I get up and take care of their needs and–if they’re in the mood–I’ll even cuddle them while I talk to my friend.

So when Luna invites the guy over to play catch with her (he hasn’t done that yet, though, because he’s geographically distant and this “relationship” if I have to label it as such is still just a sapling) or Freya blows her first-ever baby kisses and it’s to him or other cute things kids do…I feel a twinge of guilt that it’s not their father they’re showing virtual affection for–until I think about the fact that he doesn’t seem to want to have those interactions with them. This guy I chat with has no obligation to me or my children, but he appears genuinely thrilled to interact with all of us.

I’m not a psychic, so I can’t see what the future will bring, but its possible that I might end up with this person. Its possible we might want to have a life together, build upon this preexisting family he’d be joining. Even if he and I didn’t work out, there’s always the possibility that I’ll meet someone else and want a life with that person. If they’re good to my kids and good to me, I shouldn’t have to feel bad if the girls grow attached to my partner as a parental figure in their lives. After all, it wouldn’t be my fault if their paternal DNA contributor chose to make himself scarce.

I just feel bad that he seems to be hell-bent on being just available enough to be able to tell his friends he has kids but not really available at all on a regular basis (or a financial one; thankfully I’m a coupon-savvy mama, a bill prepayer, and a pinny-pinching queen). I texted him the other day that the girls had been sick for a week (didn’t text sooner because, well, he’s usually not concerned even when we were all living together and they weren’t deathly ill), so he didn’t even say anything about them. I got one random “Tell the girls I love them.” a handful of days after Freya’s birthday and I did tell them. I mentioned in a recent text that Luna had sent him some emails from her games; he only then acknowledged having received them (on his work computer) but launched into the aforementioned internet availability excuse.

He also acts like the geographic distance is insurmountable and entirely my fault. I wanted to stay there in the house until we got divorced or filed for divorce or I found a place to live within proximity of my two jobs and my school…he wanted me out immediately and couldn’t control his violent tendencies and threatening language until I did leave. My mom offered to help. After I made plans with her a friend in NY offered to help. I could have maybe even gone back to Texas…but, really, I know that had I moved a block away he’d still have excuses. It’s me he thinks he’s avoiding, and that’s not fair to the children.

So as I celebrate our unhappy anniversary today by still being celibate and not trying to think about how many times he’ll blow his strumpet today, I’ll be doing fun activities with our children and making Halloween a fun day for them and attempt to reclaim the holiday from its association with my failed marriage. And, my friend and I may even sit and talk for hours giving destiny the power (thanks for the words Pat Bunch and Nicole Witt).

Vitamin C–You ask me, how am I? Well I’m still standing, aren’t I? That’s something, that’s one thing, that’s gone my way. It’s so hard, to go out, like everything’s ok now, when inside, I still cry, for yesterday. This is my unhappy anniversary, but I lie, saying it’s just another day. This is my unhappy anniversary, oh! I know it’s, so stupid, to still feel brokenhearted. I wonder, if you know, just how much I hurt.

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