The Other Woman

Can’t Get You Outta My Head (And you’re loving it…)

Tonight, I was searching my name and was able to somehow pull up husband’s full Facebook profile–apparently Facebook did not take the block seriously. The thing is, there was a post on there from a few days ago where he was cheering that he’d finally gotten rid of his stalker.

Since Luna wanted to talk to him anyway, I sent a text telling him she was still awake if he wanted to talk and asked him about the stalker post and mentioned how weird it was that FB let me see his profile (I told him that I’d blocked him on there because I didn’t want to see his ugly skank in my newsfeed the night I did it). His reply? “Ya pissed her off enough to get her to block me on Facebook LOL”

In other words, I’m the “stalker” he was referring to.

A few things:

  • I hardly ever visited his personal or business profiles. The only time I saw his posts was in my newsfeed. Usually it was business related or benign, so I liked what I liked and ignored what I was indifferent about–until his whore with the matching tattoos showed up with her ugly smile and stringy hair.
  • My friends were right. He was trying to rile me up, and I fell for it.
  • If anyone was stalking anyone, it was him on my profile. He clicked like on most of my uploads about the girls, status updates about them, and even random shit that had nothing to do with him. One day he even clicked like on some stuff from 2010 when I was pregnant with Freya.
  • Since he thinks I’m stalking him anyway, I went ahead and looked through his and his whore’s photos again. Turns out they were at the same convention in March 2010. Coincidence? I think not…Of course, she was fatter back then–but still as ugly as she is now. And she has her job listed as volunteering at his store (cause she can’t admit she’s getting paid under the table–literally).

Yes, it makes me ugly to say those things. But I feel ugly–on the inside. My whole world has been turned upside down. Here I was thinking that things were getting better in my marriage and all the while the walls were crumbling around me.

I’m lost. I’m scared. I am not broken.

I got a volunteer position as a tutor at a local community college. My first week has gone okay. I am also helping a local business with social networking and search engine optimization (SEO). I dyed my hair bright red and cut it short. I’m wearing lipstick when I go out each day. I got my nails done with Luna the other day. I’m applying for PhD programs.

I haven’t filed for divorce. He seems to think it should be my responsibility and he’s doing everything in his power to rile me up. I’ve got to stop falling for it.

I don’t know what the right answer is, honestly. Am I supposed to change my number and notify everyone of import about the change? Should I erase all of my social networking profiles again (and have to start from scratch later)? Would it be pertinent to just have Luna “write” to him whenever she wants to communicate, forgetting about the cam and headset I purchased for their communication and about the smartphone he bought me last year?

Is it possible to erase nearly a decade of ups and downs, of sex that was so good I can climax thinking about it and sex that was so bad I inwardly willed it to end quicker, of money spent and possessions acquired? How do I let go of all that we built together, knowing his new skank is enjoying the life I helped him build? How do I avoid actually looking like a “stalker” when all I want to do is let his daughter communicate with him?

Is it okay for me to do as he has done, to take a new lover when our marriage isn’t legally over? I know there are plenty of men–and women–(many that are probably much better in more ways than one, if I gave them a chance) who are waiting in the wings for when my heart catches up. Do I dare give them a chance (you know, in neutral territory while the girls are with safe reliable childcare or visiting safe reliable family)?

I know, logically, it is too soon. I don’t want to be like him. In all the years I’ve known him, I never clued in until recently:

  • he always had a new girlfriend immediately after we broke up, so easily that maybe she was already there before broke up;
  • he can’t stand to be alone;
  • he’s a sex addict; and
  • family comes last.

I can be alone. I can master my own destiny with a flick of a wrist if you catch my drift. I can manage my money (all of my bills are paid, some through the end of the year). I can drive. I can work, and work hard. I am intelligent, beautiful, voluptuous, amazing–my exes should consider themselves lucky to have had me; my futures should consider themselves blessed when I walk into their lives. I know these things not because so many people say them, but because my inner strength is building.

I may not know how to see him in a picture or video and avoid the rush of emotions, but I know that I can–I do–live without him. I know that I don’t need him to pay my bills or fix my car (it cost me about several hundred to do some repairs and maintenance that should have been done before I drove 2000mi across five states with precious slumbering cargo).

Some days I’m actually doing okay–great even. I wake up cheerleader perky and make breakfasts that’d put the Days Inn complementarities to shame. I go shopping and think how great it is that some jerk isn’t yelling at me about buying my favorite brand of body wash even though his favorite brand was always in the budget. I cook dinner at night and feel delighted that no one is breathing down my neck telling me to add this or that or leave out this or that.

I don’t have to worry about someone screaming at me or throwing things at me or shoving me. One of the kids makes a mess and I don’t have heart palpitations worrying about how I’m going to explain it.

Someday I’ll heal…

Taylor Swift–Someday I’ll be living in a big ol’ city and all you’re ever gonna be is mean.

Don’t you just love it when

The other woman thinks it’s okay to hate you for hating her and says some snide thing alluding to you in a completely unrelated thread on a social networking site? I actually almost sunk down to her level…but I deleted my own snide remarks. I’m better than that. I know I let my anger and hurt spit some venom recently.

Yeah, I don’t know her, but I do know that she’s with my husband. I don’t know how to deal with that. If he had waited til he divorced me, it would have been easier to keep my hurt bottled up. Part of me wishes them all the best–after our divorce. Another part of me still believes in fairy tails and forgiveness. I can accept that he’s moved on, but I don’t have to like it or her.

She may be an angel, a humanitarian, an intellectual–to me she’s the other woman until there’s actually a divorce.

Either she gives me no thought at all normally and simply took the opportunity to sting me since I added him back last night, or she feels threatened by me on some level since he hasn’t gone through with filing for divorce. I want to believe the latter so I can feel vindicated in some way, but I know it’s probably the former.

It’s likely that he told her we were already going through a divorce (though his facebook says separated), or that he never even mentioned me at all until recently. I really don’t want to be privy to conversations they have before, during, or after dating and fucking in my marriage bed (which is probably still stained by my blood and orgasms).

I shouldn’t give her any thought either. Mostly I didn’t until those pics popped up in my feed the other day.

Then he tells me last night the tats are part of a group cosplay thing and not about their relationship. I decided to try and play nice with him, then she spits venom in my general direction today. She has NO right to hate me or be mad at me. Maybe she should be mad at him for not changing his relationship status to being in one with her. Maybe he should file for divorce like he kept threatening to do before I ever left. He claims it’s a money thing.

What really stung about her remarks was that she said something about strangers making lies about her and her family. He is my family. Husband, Luna, and Freya are my family. Even after the divorce that’ll still be true, but at least if we were divorced, I’d feel like there was room in the family for her. I don’t now. He does, she does, but I don’t. I can’t stop them from doing what they do. But they can’t expect me to just grin and bear it.

Maybe they really didn’t meet until after I left. Does that make it okay? I left because he forced me out of the house. I left for my safety. I left because I had no place else to go when home no longer contained heart.

Does he abuse her the way he did me? Probably not. Their relationship is still new and fresh, like shoes the first day of school. Does he romanticize with her the way he did with me? Probably so. It’s in his nature…that hurts to think about.

I know I should get her, him, this whole thing out of my head. I know I should live and let die. I am strong enough to take care of what I need to day to day. I get mine and his angels up and dressed and ready for school five days a week. In the middle of the night when one of them cries out in pain or starts shouting, “Daddy where are you?!” I rock them back to sleep. I work hard in graduate school (this summer, because of all this mess, I made one F…but the other three classes were As). Every day I look for work either online or in the community. Every day I volunteer now to help out at a local college and at a local business.

It took me being here a while before I was ready to start blogging again about my experiences. Now that I have, it’s funny that he chose to break his six-year silence as a reader to post a biting remark about how our marriage had been crumbling for years and that I told a lie (regarding his relationship with this woman). He’ll likely never go back and read my reply, but I said that I do not lie–I perceive.

In life, that is all we can do. There is no such thing as reality, only perception. He perceived me and my actions a certain way over the years that led him to hate me enough to kick me out of our house. He probably has a lot of opinions about me which he may or may not share with people. One mutual friend told me that the version of reality they got from him was that I simply left and took the kids–no explanation as to what caused my sudden departure.

I am trying to play well with others. I blocked him the other day so I wouldn’t have to see his interaction with her. Then apparently Facebook didn’t take the block seriously. I added him back last night so that he could go back to being able to see updates about his kids. I figured I’d hide him from my feed, but a post he made showed up and her comment was there. He also commented on a thread of mine, one that had nothing to do with him or the kids, but his comment was benign so I clicked “like.”

If we can do that all the time–make benign or nice commentary only–then we can eventually go from “friends (on Facebook)” to actual friends again. Maybe someday, after he and I are legally divorced and enough time has gone by, if he’s still with this girl I might actually want to take the time to get to know her.

Until then, she’s still the other woman, regardless of whatever excuses and versions of reality he and she come up with to justify their relationship.

View the full blog at heartchasms.blogspot.com and like the blog on Facebook.

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