Moving On

Since 2003 I have been in love with the same man. We’ve had ups and downs. We’ve had huge fights that ended in violence towards me. We’ve had sex that was so awesome I was seeing stars. What we didn’t have was communication, reciprocation, and that all important factor–true love. I can see that now.

Because someone who truly loved me would not have kicked me and our children out at 2a on a bald tire, given me a sack of Bawls Energy Drinks, and let us go without knowing what we were headed to. He told me he loved me that night, kissed and hugged me goodbye–it was like all the other times that I left town for vacations or to leave him and find myself; yet this time was different as we are legally married and have children together…this was not something I set in motion.

Because someone who truly loved me would not have moved in a new girlfriend that he met BEFORE I left but lied and said he met afterward. This woman (whom he calls Lust) is in his commercials for his company that I helped him build and promote. He’ll claim I didn’t. He’ll forget that I spent a few hours setting up his spreadsheets, that I edited text content on his first commercial, that I suggested he carry some of the merchandise, that I passed his business cards out all over town, that I bragged about his company on every social networking site and link logging site, that I told every friend and family member…he’ll forget because his new girlfriend is right there working under the table for his company in more ways than one.

Because someone who truly loved me would not have also moved three children and several adults into the spaces he forced me and our children to vacate, wouldn’t let random other people crash on what was once OUR couches, wouldn’t have shoved every bit of evidence of mine and the girls’ existence into some corner of the hot and moist garage, wouldn’t keep talking about dropping my cat off at the shelter or some random corner. I’ve discussed coming back for the rest of my things, but legally EVERYTHING there is still MINE and his. I don’t want to walk into what was once our family home and see the flop house it has become. I don’t want to see his girfriend’s slutty garments in MY closet. I don’t want to see someone else’s children’s toys in place of my own children’s toys.

Because someone who truly loved me wouldn’t be posting pics of said female all over his facebook pages with emphasis on the fact that they have MATCHING tattoos. He and I have matching tattoos: one on the right arm that sports Freya’s name and various Celtic/Pagan imagery, and one on the left that sports Luna’s name and similar imagery. His and his new harlot’s tattoos are images from some anime they both enjoy, with hers being on her skanky breasts and his being on the back of one of his hands. It seems horribly wrong to get something so permanent as a tattoo that matches one they have excepting the ones that represent our children. If their tattoos do represent a child they have together, then it’s one that is not yet born, in which case she’s even more of a slut than I originally thought…

Maybe I shouldn’t be blogging about this divorce in progress. Maybe I should “fake it til I make it” and act like everything’s peaches and cream until the paperwork’s finalized. Maybe I should go out and find my own sexually amoral individual to do the nasty deed with…but I have integrity. I’m not condemning friends and family members who, in the absence of love or physical attraction in their own marriages have come to arrangements and agreements that enable them to go out and have fun. But it doesn’t seem right for me, alone in the Arizona desert, to shack up with some random person and expose my children to that. It doesn’t seem right for me to introduce them to “Mr. Such And Such” or “Uncle So And So” when I cannot guarantee that person will be around in a month.

I will be the stronger person here because I will not seek to replace him with whatever happens by. I will not pick someone uglier than him (this woman may weigh significantly less than me but she looks like something out of Crackwhores Monthly). I will not move someone into my home or move in with someone and have my children a replacement daddy.

Even though he has hurt me in so many ways, and even though he has so quickly replaced me, he is surrounded by a family of lies. I’m torn between hoping their life together falls apart quickly so I’ll feel some sense of sadistic glee over knowing he failed without me and hoping their life together is wildly successful so that the child support checks he’ll eventually be required to pay Luna and Freya are huge enough to keep them set through graduate school.

I may still have love for this man, and my heart may still sink at knowing all of the above information, but I took a step in the right direction tonight by blocking him from my Facebook. If he wants to talk to his children, he has only to call them and I’ll hand the phone right to them without even answering. Certainly, if Luna wants to call him, I’ll let her without even talking to him. He can come visit his children any time he likes, in a neutral location. If I happen to be in that area and can afford to bring them along, a neutral location can be arranged for him to see them. But I don’t want to see this bitch’s images all over my newsfeed; I don’t want to know about the vacations he’s taking with her that he’d never take with me. I’m through with his games. And as soon as is possible, I’ll be legally through with him too.

Leann Rimes–I’m gonna go out dancing in the pouring rain, and talk to someone I don’t know. I will face the world around me, knowing that I’m strong enough to let you go, and I will fall in love again, because I can.

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