From time to time on facebook I get odd friend requests, usually from porn bots. You know the type: over-the-top sexy profile picture, no other albums, too-good-to-be true “about me” box, link list full of cam show websites, friend box showing thousands of friends, mostly male. I usually delete those requests as soon as I figure them out.
Aside from porn bots, I’ve gotten mistaken identity friend requests, where they assume I am someone else they know/knew or am related to such. Then there are the “we have such-and-such in common, letz be friendz” add requests and the “we both play this game and I need neighbors on the game” add requests. If the add requests are harmless, I might add the person but block them from viewing most of my profile. Sometimes I get the “do you remember me” add requests. Those aren’t so much odd as unexpected. Once I get through the initial awkwardness of trying to remember who the fuck they are and where I know them from (far less awkward than when such a meeting occurs in the middle of Wal-Mart, I must say), I tend to add them as well, although occasionally they remind me why I ceased contact when last we’d met.
None of these out-of-the-blue friend requests are unique to me. Everyone gets them. It’s part of the charm and frustration of social networking. In many ways, though, this is just the same as if one were socializing in the real world. If you were to hang out in certain parts of various cities and towns, you’d have the prostitute offer you her (or his) wares–porn bot! If you are walking down the street, someone might holler out a name that’s not yours and then run up mad that you didn’t turn around–mistaken identity. Attend a concert for your favorite band, you might meet a person who’s as into the band as you are–common interest friend. In the gym practicing your jump shot you might run into someone who offers you to join their impromptu team for a quick game–same game friend. Walking through the grocery store, you’re bound to run into someone you know–long lost friend.
I’m curious how frequent is another type of friend request: lonely old man. In the real world, it took the form of the guys in the nursing and rehab centers I’d worked or volunteered at flirting with me. They were patients and old enough to have sired my mother or grandmother, so I would smile and brush off their advances. They usually didn’t say much, just try to grab a part of me or like the little Hispanic man that called me his girlfriend in Spanish over and over or the little white haired man that tried to kiss me (thank goodness for the quick reflexes of my then nineteen year old body). When I worked at Academy Sports and Outdoors, old men who came to purchase hunting supplies would sometimes flirt, as would beer-purchasers at the Wal-Mart. But up til today, I had yet to get a facebook request from a lonely old man…up til today.
This guy didn’t actually send a friend request, just a wordy personal message. I checked his profile; evidently what he sent me is pretty much verbatim his description of himself on the profile. His profile didn’t scream “porn bot,” so I am unsure as to his motives for the random message. He appears to be a lonely old man and we appear to have no friends in common. Now, if you are reading this and are older than this man, it’s not that I think you are old or that old is intrinsically a bad thing. It is just a tag or title or description that I can give this one person.
I decided to post his message on here, and a link to his profile. I figure if he’s going to go about sending strangers messages without bothering to read their profiles to find out things like how I am a) happily married and b) too young for him then he won’t mind his messages being reposted and possibly even mocked by my fellows.
For the record, I didn’t edit his message at all:
Ben Scott writes:
hiiiiiiiiiiHello,I am looking for the love of my life to share my thoughts sorrows and feelings with,i am Looking for a meaningful relationship in which I take at slow place with a woman that can secure my doubts and release my fears a woman who can restore my faith in love once again just a woman i can cater to take care of Love forever someone i will give my all to, someone i can hold in my arms forever.So I guess for starts just to meet an intelligent woman with a good sense of humor. I prefer a woman that respects people and themselves as well,That should be a woman that is tender heated, kind, considerate of others needs, one that would appreciate having a wife that would love him in a way that he’s not been loved before.In a world basically. I’m honorable and hospitality, caring ,loving ,tolerance and easygoing person that pretty sums it up. Am a very gentle man waiting to meet the woman that’s very in tune with his desires. I am a very intuitive man and understands how to make my woman feel exactly the way he needs to feel at that moment.and i will like you to reply me as soon as possible you can to save me from thinking all the time .you can mail me on firstname.lastname@example.org.
Your run-on sentence about the type of womanly love you’re looking for has a number of flaws which you ought to discuss with your therapist; suffice to say that I am not here to help you with your Oedipal issues (odd that you’d even choose to ask that of someone young enough to be your granddaughter, wonder what Freud would have thought of that!). I am intelligent, and I do have a good sense of humor, things that my husband undoubtedly enjoys about me. I agree that respect is an important thing, but I have difficulties not poking fun at those who cannot be bothered to do their research.
I am not, however, “tender heated” as you’ve put it. Is that some sort of euphemism? Or did you lose track of your thoughts and start writing a chicken recipe? Later in that sentence you mention that the woman you are looking for would need to “appreciate having a wife that would love him in a way that he’s not been loved before.” You slip up again in your third paragraph and call your woman “he” once more. Does this mean you’re looking for a transvestite, a transsexual, a transgender, or a hermaphrodite? I am none of those things; I hate to disappoint you.
Your grammar, spelling, punctuation, and thought transitions are (to use your own phrasing here), in a word, atrocious. I suggest you hire an editor to build a profile for you on a dating website that caters to senile old men who are into sexually ambiguous submissives. Perhaps you could find the she-male of your dreams somewhere in cyberspace. As for moi, I will go on loving my husband, caring for my kiddos, blogging on occasion, wasting time on facebook, cleaning my house, cooking meals, and planning for my future.
1 Last Hope–It’s Friday night, and I’m going online. Gonna find a girl, and make her all mine. She can be fat. She can be ugly. I don’t really care, cause I’m feeling kind of lonely.