You Cannot Lose What You Never Had–So I Shouldn’t Worry About My Mind

When I tell husband about the things that I think about, sometimes he tells me I am crazy. I know he loves me, and we banter back and forth sometimes, with me calling him insane in retaliation, but I sometimes wish that I could talk directly to someone other than him who wouldn’t think me crazy, which is why I share my innermost thoughts and feelings on this blog for random strangers and better-or-worse friends to read. Perhaps some of you will either have gone through what I’ve gone through and be able to hold a conversation about it, or perhaps you’ll at least read and offer insight without beating me over the head with your judge’s gavel.

Some of the things that make husband say I’m being silly or crazy are things that occur in my mind which could either be explained by psychic phenomenon or psychotic episodes–I try not to debate the issue. It’s better to just assume it’s a psychic phenomenon and listen to or interpret the phenomenon than it is to assume I’m just having a psychotic episode, do nothing, and find out later I should have listened.

From time to time I’ll see visions, flashes of images or full-on cinematography–messages from an otherworldly source in high-definition technicolor with Dolby surround sound. And, as I’ve mentioned, I prefer to accept them as premonitions and attempt to solve them. Last night, for instance, Freya was sleeping soundly in her Pack’N’Play and I was in my bed drifting off to sleep. I got a vision of a spider crawling into Freya’s bed and biting her in her sleep.

Now, usually spider bites are felt by the victim, who in turn takes action of some sort. A baby victim’s instinct, therefore, would be to cry until someone takes notice of her pain. However, sometimes people are bitten in their sleep and only notice the bite hours later. In the case of the Brown Recluse, this can turn out badly for the bite victim. In my vision, this is what happened to Freya, a poisonous spider bit her and she continued to sleep, with me discovering the horrific scene the following morning, after the poison had had plenty of time to work through her system and wreck havoc on it. I chose to accept this vision as prophetic, got up, and brought Freya into my bed, feeling confident that, should a spider appear in my bed, I’d notice. Perhaps I was being insane for beliving the vision, perhaps I was being naïve to assume that I’d notice a spider in my own bed, but I couldn’t sleep soundly without doing something.

This is not an unusual thing for me, though. Occasionally, as I am drifting off to sleep or while in a relaxing waking state, I’ll get a feeling. These feelings don’t necessarily come with directions, you see, but I’ll get a dark sense of foreboding, sometimes directed towards a worry about a certain person, Luna for instance. When this happens, I just have to get up and go check on her, just to make sure. If the person is miles away, I have to call them, just to make sure.

Last night, before the spider-in-the-crib vision, I had a “check on Luna, now!” type feeling. So, I got up and went to check on her. She had been sleeping fine in her own bed, of course, but when I opened the door she jerked up out of bed and started crying, “I need you, mommy.” Now, it could be that she needed me because I was there. And, it could be that, had I not been there, she would have gone on sleeping, but I couldn’t take that chance.

Especially since that feeling became coupled with another of my odd psychic/psycho episodes: seeing faces. I see faces everywhere: in wall, floor, ceiling, and upholstery patterns; in clouds, leaves, and other naturey things; in garbage; in oil stains…if I go on any more you’ll surely send the white-coats after me…

Anyway, last night’s face was on the wood of Luna’s door frame. There’s some damage to the doorframe that appears to be from wood-eating bugs or perhaps someone stabbing the area with a small pointed object. It’s too high to be from Luna and in the wrong spot to be from the latch-hook that’s been on her door. I usually pay it no heed, of course, having grown used to the textures and tones of our home. But I saw a skull on Luna’s door frame this time. I did a double-take and it was back to just being an odd texture. But the feeling wouldn’t go away. And now I had the feeling and the face, even if the face had vanished, so I couldn’t ignore the feeling.

I had her get up and go to the bathroom. Then I let her climb into my bed. Husband works the graveyard shift, after all, so there was plenty of room.

And then I had the spider vision and brought Freya to the bed.

In the morning, husband didn’t even ask questions. He’s gotten used to coming home and finding me and the kids, and maybe even the cat, all piled in the same bed crowding each other’s sleeping space. He’s used to my brand of crazy, though I’m not sure if that’s a good or a bad thing…

South Park Mexican–Everything would be okay, if you wasn’t crazy.

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