A New Stage

On October 11th I birthed my beautiful daughter Freya Myst. Initially, I’d been wanting to wait until my body went into labor naturally, but my doctor was concerned that my body was showing very early signs of liver malfunction and also that laboring on my own might lead to me not getting to the hospital in time for preventative antibiotics to counter my natural Strep B. Husband, of course, was on the doctor’s side on the issue of induction. Ultimately, it was my body and my choice, but I decided to agree to an induction, and it was scheduled for 7a that day.

We were able to have husband’s mom in town for the birth, a treat for us because she hadn’t been able to be here for Luna’s at all, a treat for her because she hadn’t been at the birth of her other granddaughter (husband’s brother’s daughter) either. She was very helpful, in that she did and husband did housework and kept Luna occupied during my hospital stay, although my friend Megan kept Luna during the labor and delivery part. I also had my friend Julianne in the birthing room. Technically the hospital policy was to only have two birthing coaches, but they didn’t make me send anyone out of the room when it came time to push, so I got to have my husband, my mother-in-law, and my friend all there.

As with Luna’s birth, I didn’t use any pain medications. It only took ten minutes to push Freya out after 8 hours of active laboring. They kept telling me to stop pushing, but it burned and I felt like I needed to keep going. The doctor got his gloves on in time to catch the head. The recovery has been easier this time than it was with Luna. I didn’t tear to the point of needing a stitch. Because of that, though, I’ve had difficulties in the bedroom.

Husband understands that the doctor prescribed abstinence from vaginal intercourse while I am still bleeding. That’s a confusing thing, though, as I’ve been bleeding since Freya’s birth, but with two or three days at a time here and there where I am not bleeding at all. A few days ago, I hadn’t bled for a few days, so I agreed to vaginal intercourse. Afterward, I was burning from it, not as badly as I had been after pushing out my 7lb 5oz newborn, but painfully nonetheless. Also, I bled again afterward. Since then, the bleeding’s been on-and-off again. So maybe I’ll wait til my post-partum checkup later this month before we try that again…

We have tried other means of sexual intimacy in the interim. Fellatio is not something I prefer to do. Prior to husband, I rarely performed the act on lovers. When I did, I wouldn’t let them reach a climax, rather I’d finish them off as it were with my hand or with vaginal intercourse, so it really wasn’t a complete act. I was disgusted by the concept of letting them finish in my mouth, and worried about the conundrum of whether one should spit out or swallow the seminal fluids. After we got married, I’d ended up agreeing to trying to perform the act on husband and letting him climax. The first time we tried it, I had a towel handy and spit it out. That seemed disgusting to me, like hocking up a loogie, so the next time I tried swallowing. To my surprise, it didn’t induce vomiting. It felt like swallowing a hot soup. Since then, I’ve simply swallowed to keep it less messy. But…husband hasn’t performed cunnilingus on me since 2006, which leaves me feeling unreciprocated.

Anal sex is problematic for me. Because of the rapes I suffered as a child, my body has been forever physically altered in some ways, as well as my mental state being forever changed. One of the things that my stepfather’s son did to me was to forcefully anally penetrate when I was only about eleven or twelve. Husband and I have tried to take plenty of precautionary measures to make certain that we are performing our consensual sex acts safely and pleasurably for both of us (including husband’s purchases of a few toys and various creams and lotions and lubricators for us to try in our lovemaking), but sometimes even a bowel movement or sometimes having sex anally can re-open a wound that was created when I was raped. Other times, there is no physical harm from the consensual act and I actually feel a great deal of pleasure, but occasionally I do have a mental regression back to a time when I was not consenting to the act. This can happen with vaginal intercourse too.

On those occasions, I have to medidate on how good the current act feels and how much I love husband. Sometimes, I have to also play movies clips in my head. With all the moaning and gasping and shouting I do involuntarily lamenting the pleasure I’m experiencing when husband and I are gyrating together to an explosive mutual orgasm through whatever type of sex act we’ve chosen, he wouldn’t know whether I’d had to meditate my way to that orgasm or not, but it bothers me that I should have to ever meditate my way to an orgasm.

Husband and I just celebrated our three-year wedding anniversary. In some ways, I think seeing the extent of our commitment and the various affirmations of our love over these years has actually done wonders towards repairing the damage to my psyche that my biological father and stepfather’s son had done to me all those years ago. Nevertheless, his love cannot repair my damaged bladder and urethra (thanks to bio father raping me at age three, a severely incongruous punishment for a three year old’s unwillingness to go to bed during a late night airing of MacGyver). Perhaps I shouldn’t consent to anal sex, no matter how pleasurable it can be with him, if it can potentially occasionally open the old wound there, but I want to enjoy sexual acts with my husband which, although taboo to some, are normal things that lovers can do.

Since Freya’s been born, I’ve been struggling to balance time. When do Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar have time to make all those babies they keep having? I know husband’s schedule factors partly into this, but it’s difficult for us to have time to make love, regardless of the methods or positions of lovemaking we choose. He had been making an effort to at least spend time with me watching films or TV shows together; he got us a Netflix subscription, because that’s cheaper than buying everything when it comes to DVD and easier than finding a sitter for two children so we can go to a theater. I have difficulty finding the time to do household chores without one or both kids screaming at me for some reason or another; I can spend plenty of time on the computer or watching TV because the kids don’t seem to mind those activities. But how dare I attempt to rotate the laundry or cook dinner without holding both of them?!

It’s my own fault that I can’t put Freya down much. I’ve only this week started letting her sleep in her own bed for part of the night. I’ve chosen to breastfeed her, which is actually going great, surprising to me considering Luna’s difficulties in that area when she was a baby. It’s funny when Luna sees me feeding Freya. A couple of times I told her that she used to eat that way when she was a baby and she just giggled. Husband and his mom said that Luna was attempting to breastfeed one of her dolls after seeing me at the hospital with Freya.

Luna’s been somewhat helpful as a big sister. She brings me diapers and wipes…even if Freya doesn’t need them. Luna still tortures Midnight (the cat) and still doesn’t understand that Freya isn’t a pillow when I’m trying to hold them both. I know that Luna still needs mommying, but she needs different things now. She can eat and drink with little-to-no assistance, she’s mostly potty-trained, she can count (kind of). If only she could learn to follow directions all the time, rather than when she feels like it. I am lax on my discipline with her, though, because I worry that I’ll go to far with spanking or yelling, and because she gets to my heart with her pouts and tears.

I am at a new stage in my life. I am a college-educated housewife, a stay-at-home mother of two children (and a cat), a wife that is in some ways deliberately embracing some of the ’50s standards of husband-pleasing for the purposes of helping my marriage run smoothly. I have goals and dreams for the future too, though, such as losing at least 150lbs, completing graduate school, and actually getting my writing published in a more widely circulated venue (preferably for profit), just to name a few.

Fireflight–I’m waking up. The world is turning. The sun is shining again.

View the full blog at heartchasms.blogspot.com and like the blog on Facebook.

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