Demon Kids and Inner Demons

I was particularly frustrated with Luna the other day, and I sent a text message to Robert stating, “I’m REALLY hoping kid #2 isn’t the demon seed her big sis is.” To which he replied, “Ya she will be the demon spawn. Just think how happy you will be. Just what you always wanted. To be home with your kids.” I texted back, “I wanted to be home with my well-behaved children, lol.

The truth is, he’s right, sort of. I guess I always wanted to be home with my children, but I also always wanted to be a teacher, a lawyer, an actress, a singer, a writer, and a friggin ballerina, among other things. I don’t think I ever really nailed down one particular thing and knew that was what I wanted to be when I grew up. And, honestly, I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.

I love Luna, frustrating as she may be, and I know I’ll love kid #2, and any subsequent children (if there may be any), but part of me really thinks I ought to line up more proverbial ducks. It’s not that I don’t want to be home with them, cause I do, but I also know that I can’t predict the future. What if Robert were to die? What if we got divorced? What if he were injured in such a way that working became impossible for him? So many things could go wrong that would require me to step into that provider role he is filling.

I still haven’t taken my GRE, but I have until July 2011 to take it on the voucher my Granny and Cousin Betty helped me get. There are colleges attempting to recruit me that don’t require GRE scores, but they still require all of the other things I haven’t actively pursued obtaining (transcripts, letters of recommendation, resume/curriculum vitae, portfolio/writing sample, personal statement, etc.). And I still kind of want to take the LSAT, if for no other reason than to “what if?” my future.

I doubt my ability to be a great stay-at-home mother, anyway. I can be OCD about housework, but then I have no time to do anything else at all, and of course that would include no time to spend with the children. For some reason, though, if I’m not OCD then I go the other extreme and am slobby. Not “Hoarders” or “How Clean is Your House” slobby, but also too slobby for my husband’s comfort. Dishes that go unwashed for a few days, toys that go unpicked-up, that sort of thing.

I need to figure out what I want to be when I grow up, and then I need to actively pursue setting the right things in motion and balancing my life for it.

George Thorogood–Get a haircut and get a real job. Clean your act up, and don’t be a slob. Get it together, like your big brother Bob. Why don’t you get a haircut and get a real job?

View the full blog at heartchasms.blogspot.com and like the blog on Facebook.

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