Contemplating the Cosmos, or Something Like That

Good evening ladies and jerks. Welcome to yet another unimportant diatribe by yours truly. 🙂

In today’s episode, I will fill you in on all of the things that have happened since I last bothered y’all, followed by maybe some ranting and some speculating. I hope you enjoy, but if you don’t, feel free to leave a comment on the blog itself telling me how stupid you think I am. 🙂

Okay, so, first thing’s first. Today is officially a week since I graduated from college. Yay me! So in the midst of all the congratulations and well wishes, people kept asking, “when are you getting a job?” Ah, yes, a job. The thing college graduates have worked so hard for, right? But what about extenuating circumstances? More and more, being a two-income household when you have small children is more expensive and less beneficial than being a one-income household.

  • I would have to pay for daycare. A friend of mine says for his two children that runs about $600 a month.
  • I would have to keep my vehicle gassed up and running. The other day $10 got me 3.6 gallons of gas. And then there’s all those repairs my car still needs.
  • I would lose my SNAP, WIC, and Medicaid benefits. Yes, I absolutely want to be off of those services. But without SNAP and WIC, I would need $300 out of my paycheck for groceries. Without medicaid, I would need to get full coverage insurance for Luna, and family planning insurance for myself. I’m told these things don’t come cheap…
  • I would spend less time raising my children because a daycare or sitter would raise them. Okay, I’m not saying here that mothers/fathers who work full time and rely on these services are bad parents or are neglecting their children. I am saying that I, personally, would feel like I was neglecting my children. When I worked full time in summer ’09, I was also a full time student. Luna was with a sitter 12-18 hours a day. She slept the rest of the time. I felt awful. I’m not taking classes anymore for now, but I would still miss her during an 8+ hour shift.
  • My house would never get cleaned. I know that Robert says he would help out if I worked full time, but that hasn’t been the pattern in the past. Housework has always been my sole responsibility, unless he felt like being nice. I love him, and appreciate all of his hard work, but I don’t know that he would step up with the housework if I wasn’t around. He would probably tell you that I don’t do it right now, but I do clean the house…on my own timetable. But when I go to school full time or to a job or both, the last thing I feel like doing at the end of my day is cleaning.
  • I would still have to pay on my student loans. I think the payments are going to be $300 or $400 a month when they come out of deferment in six months. If I can’t afford to pay them, I might be able to get a hardship deferment after that, but I don’t know for sure that I could qualify, and I do need to start paying on them eventually.

It’s not that I don’t want to go back to work. Certainly if he wanted to quit his job and switch places with me, or if he were willing to lose sleep to care for our children so that the cost of childcare wasn’t a factor, then I would be less reluctant. Not to mention that I want to go to graduate school, and that would be easier to do if I didn’t have a job to have to quit or transfer.

Aside from deliberating about going back to work, I’m worrying about my pregnancy. Supposedly, I’m 21 weeks now. I’ve felt occasional movement and had ridiculous vomiting and my belly is growing big, but I have yet to see a doctor. On Wednesday, I finally have an ultrasound scheduled, but they do not plan to do the rest of the prenatal checkup. They said we’ll schedule an appointment for that at a later date! Being that I am more than 100lbs overweight and that I have a personal history of hypertension and that I have been dehydrated and have been battling a UTI and have a history of miscarriage and my other health problems, I’m more than just a little paranoid about this pregnancy. I’m out of the danger zone for miscarriage, but I’m still in a danger zone for preterm labor. I know that worrying about things tends to make them worse, but it’s hard not to.

This summer, I plan to work on my writing, and even send some things off in hopes of possibly publishing them. I also plan on gathering my resources to get my graduate school applications completed. And I plan on keeping up with the housework, but not to please Robert, although I know it will. It does frustrate me when I go into the kitchen and see a mountain of dishes or an overflowing garbage can (we do take it out once a week, but apparently we just generate too much).

I had a long discussion with an acquaintance tonight on the subject of marital infidelity. I feel that if you cheat on your spouse, you’ve only yourself to blame. This individual felt that you can blame your spouse if they don’t trust you or if they do things to piss you off or push you away. In my mind, it’s similar to the “my wife is a nagging shrew” argument I’ve heard before.

You can’t blame your spouse, unless they actually went out and got you a boyfriend/girlfriend. You are the one that met the person, made plans, hung out, hooked up, etc. Your spouse may be a nagging shrew. Your spouse may neglect you or withhold sex or break your record collection or read your emails or burn your dinner or run up your phone bill talking to her sister in Seattle, but it was your choice to turn all your anger and frustration into pure carnal lust for someone other than your spouse.

I’ve heard lots of people say that a spouse who suspects infidelity should just talk to the spouse about it. This might work, or the person might just lie and say nothing is going on. But if talking is suggested to someone who suspects cheating, why is it not also suggested to someone who is considering cheating? Why won’t desperate housewives and husbands with wandering eyes just sit down and talk with their spouses about their feelings?

I am all about being an open book and wearing my heart out on my sleeve. When it comes to my husband, I don’t believe in secrets and privacy. I try tell him everything. And if there’s something I forgot to tell him, he’s welcome to ask me to. I don’t hide my activity on Yahoo or FaceBook or this blog or any other online outlet from him. He knows the balance of my bank account (we have separate ones cause his bank is the one I used to have when we weren’t married and I owe them money). I am no longer in contact with most of my exes, but I make it a point to let him know if I am in contact with one of them and the nature of that contact. He knows if look up pornography and what and when (we don’t have a rule against that). He knows if I have conversations with people that involve discussions of sex.

He never asked for me to be this open with him, but I feel that it is necessary. I feel that you shouldn’t have to hide things from the person that you love. If I am going to be late, I want him to know why. If I am hanging out with friends, I want him to know them or at least about them. I don’t invite people over to our house without discussing it with him first.

The problem is, he’s not so open with me. He’s always been a closed person, and in a lot of ways I respect that. I don’t push to get him to tell me his feelings or share childhood memories. But in the past I have snooped through his messages without his permission. We have trust issues. We have both hurt each other in a lot of ways. I have a hard time letting go of things he has done in the past. Even though he doesn’t admit it, he also has a hard time letting go of my past transgressions. We’re both jealous people.

I get upset that he’d rather spend time with WOW or his friends or his PS3 or someone or thing other than me. I get frustrated that I cannot go out with friends unless Luna tags along. I’m not the type to go clubbing or anything like that. But maybe sometimes I want to go out to karaoke or a coffee shop or something. Maybe sometimes I don’t want my activities to be rated PG. I’m not going to go out fucking or getting wasted, but I want adult interaction. I want conversations that don’t involve words like “potty” and “sippy cup”. I want an hour or two of uninterrupted conversation. I want to be able to focus on what people are saying without worrying that something is getting broken either on or by my child.

I understand that he works hard at his job and the bills get paid. I understand that because of this he feels entitled to go out to the movies on a Saturday night with a bunch of his guy friends. I understand that he wants said guy friends to occasionally come over to the house for a gaming party or a BBQ or a lengthy discussion. I just want to be afforded the same courtesy.

I want to live in a clean and healthy house and I want to build up my resume with the writing and I want to get into graduate school. FaceBook and WOW (Robert bought me a gamecard) and Sims 3 (the new expansion comes in the mail in June) and Plants VS Zombies (Luna keeps wanting to play it) and all those other non-productive activities seem way more fun than my to-do list, maybe because they provide adult interaction, even if I’m still housebound and constantly interrupted by a child so that I end up dying in the middle of a boss fight…Anyone know which local hardware store sells roundtoits? For now, I think I’ll just finish babbling on here and finish playing those non-productive FaceBook games and maybe WOW a bit before bedtime. Maybe I’ll have some getupandgo in the morning?

Gary Allen–I’m gonna change my ways of doin’ things around here. I’m turning over a new leaf, gonna get my self in gear, ’cause I’ve got a women whos better then most, and I’ve made a mess of her plans. Starting today, all I’m gonna be is her man, ’cause I’ve been a wild catter, and a go-go getter. Been an S.O.B. right down to the letter. I’ve had misadventures, I’ve even got pictures. I’m even more than I can stand, but startin` today, all I’m gonna be is her man. I’m gonna give it all back, cause all I’ve done is take. Well I’ve put her on the back burner while I was out on the make, but I’ve got a woman who’s good enough to give me a second chance again, and startin`today, all I’m gonna be is her man, ’cause I’ve been a wild catter, and a go-go getter. Been an S.O.B. right down to the letter. I’ve had misadventures, I’ve even got pictures. I’m even more than I can stand, but startin` today, all I’m gonna be is her man. I’m a little bit late, but I’m wisin’ up. Now I’m takin`her by the hand, and startin` today, all I’m gonna be is her man.

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4 thoughts on “Contemplating the Cosmos, or Something Like That

  1. I don’t know if you’ve looked into this already, but many states offer help for childcare while you’re looking for a job or already working and transitioning off SNAP and other programs. Your state’s website for the aforementioned help ishttp://www.arkansas.gov/childcare/familysupport/index.htmlhttp://www.arkansas.gov/dhs/sgChildcare.html… See moreMany churches offer a Mommy and Me program weekly for free, or the fee is little. Some churches have a nursery/daycare program where you help out for so many hours and in return your child gets to stay there for free or at a discounted rate.Perhaps you could find some kind of church nursery program where they might need some extra help during church services. The pay might be small but it’s enough for some spending money in your pocket.I love you Ashley, and I apologize but I’m fixing to be brutally honest. These online social networks and games really don’t offer any real human interaction. Sure, we post on people’s walls, chat on the instant messaging feature, etc. I don’t have time (or the interest) to play WOW or anything of that sort so I don’t know what those gaming experiences are like. I like to play Sims but that’s once in a blue moon.I’ll talk about housecleaning later, but I will say this. I know I was a horrible housekeeper in the past and I feel so guilty about that. When I see pictures of my first 2 houses, I feel really ashamed of how I took care of them. I’ve changed alot since then and all of us pitch in now. But more on that later.Get some rest, please take care of yourself and your children. Goodnight

  2. I’m well aware that the internet does not offer real human interaction, but since I don’t have any friends that are free to hang out on a regular basis with children and don’t have a regular sitter then I can’t really get out of the house much to socialize.

  3. I don’t know if you’ve looked into this already, but many states offer help for childcare while you’re looking for a job or already working and transitioning off SNAP and other programs. Your state’s website for the aforementioned help ishttp://www.arkansas.gov/childcare/familysupport/index.htmlhttp://www.arkansas.gov/dhs/sgChildcare.html… See moreMany churches offer a Mommy and Me program weekly for free, or the fee is little. Some churches have a nursery/daycare program where you help out for so many hours and in return your child gets to stay there for free or at a discounted rate.Perhaps you could find some kind of church nursery program where they might need some extra help during church services. The pay might be small but it’s enough for some spending money in your pocket.I love you Ashley, and I apologize but I’m fixing to be brutally honest. These online social networks and games really don’t offer any real human interaction. Sure, we post on people’s walls, chat on the instant messaging feature, etc. I don’t have time (or the interest) to play WOW or anything of that sort so I don’t know what those gaming experiences are like. I like to play Sims but that’s once in a blue moon.I’ll talk about housecleaning later, but I will say this. I know I was a horrible housekeeper in the past and I feel so guilty about that. When I see pictures of my first 2 houses, I feel really ashamed of how I took care of them. I’ve changed alot since then and all of us pitch in now. But more on that later.Get some rest, please take care of yourself and your children. Goodnight

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