On Friday, August 7th, 2009 I had another miscarriage. I guess I knew it was coming. You can tell from my previous post on the subject that I really didn’t want to believe it would happen. Who does? But could my denial of inevitability and my need to stay positive be leading me down a bad road?
My HCG was down to 2000 when I had my miscarriage. I haven’t had the levels tested again, but I’m still experiencing all the pregnancy symptoms. I would have been 15 weeks now. Robert and I hadn’t had sex since I had started bleeding heavily during the pregnancy. We did have sex last night, but obviously I wouldn’t be able to detect a pregnancy from that encounter anytime soon. The symptoms haven’t gone away since my miscarriage. My boobs are still growing and sore and have darkening aureoles. All the morning sickness, food aversions/cravings, moodiness, gassiness, constipation–all still there. And here lately I’ve been feeling flutters and kicks, but I know that I passed tissues two weeks ago and lost a ton of blood and my cervix was opened. I didn’t go back to the doctor that following Tuesday as scheduled because I took a spontaneous trip to visit my mother for the past two weeks. (Ask me if it’s a great idea to put a toddler on a Greyhound for two days. Go on, ask me.)
I am scheduled to see the doctor again on September 25th. I’m wondering if I’m having a phantom pregnancy because I don’t want to let go of the one I lost? They said they only saw one sac on the ultrasounds, but the first ultrasound to me looked like there were three sacs. But I’m not an expert, and I’m probably just psyching myself out now. I think the receptionist thought I was insane when I asked her to schedule my appointment for September 25th rather than sooner. I just figure that day would have been 20 weeks since LMP for the pregnancy I lost at 13 LMP. Either I’ll have a period by then, or maybe Robert and I will make another baby by then, or maybe this phantom pregnancy isn’t so phantom?
Procol Harum–And although my eyes were open, they might just as well have been closed. And so it was later, as the miller told his tale, that her face at first just ghostly, turned a whiter shade of pale.