A Little Bit Pregnant

I’m almost ten weeks pregnant–kinda. See, my last period started on May 8th. About six weeks later I had a few positive home pregnancy tests followed by confirmation by the Health Department. I applied for Medicaid and WIC and waited until I could have a visit with a real OBGYN. Then it started…

It was déjà vu. The blood when I wiped, the ER visits, the long hours in waiting rooms and triag rooms. They did one ultrasound, just one. I saw three gestational sacks with fetal poles. The “expert” who interpreted the ultrasound pics said he saw one gestational sack with a yolk sack and no fetal pole. He also said he noticed a sub-chorionic hematoma (bleeding in or under the placenta). Last Sunday they told me my hormone levels had dropped and that I would miscarry…again.

But husband told me to stay positive and send healing energies within myself.

So I did some research.

One website gave me some hope. It’s a forum for women who have been diagnosed with miscarriage. The women on the site share their stories and the frustrating waiting games. And many share their success stories. It turns out doctors aren’t always right. It turns out that hormone levels can fluctuate in early pregnancy for a variety of reasons that don’t necessarily mean the baby will die. It turns out sub-chorionic hematomas can heal. It turns out that “experts” can misinterpret ultrasounds.

And here I am again. Playing the waiting game. Sometimes finding fresh blood on my charmin ultra and sometimes finding old blood and sometimes seeing the pretty white TP with no disheartening stains. And all the while not knowing what is going on.

I haven’t had any heavy bleeding. I haven’t “passed the tissue”. I haven’t had any real pain (aside from the occasional cramping in my left ovary which I have even when I’m not pregnant and which is curled up against my uterus and which I recently found out is the location of a cyst). I haven’t miscarried.

Do I continue to hold onto hope, or do I give in and believe that miscarrying is enevitable?

I’ve got an appointment with a real OBGYN on the twenty-fourth of this month. I’ll cross my fingers that I get good news. At present, there’s no medical reason for me to get a D&C, but the waiting is killing me. It’s difficult being a little bit pregnant.

Ne-yo–I’m holding on to hope. I know it’s foolish though.

View the full blog at heartchasms.blogspot.com and like the blog on Facebook.

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