Cleaning Up

Today I decided to clean up my life. I know, promises, promises, but I mean it this time. I cleaned the house mostly. I still need to finish the laundry and dishes, and fix the vacuum cleaner so I can vacuum. I deleted my Yahoo account and uninstalled the messenger from my computer. I deleted my MySpace account. CafeMom is the next account to go probably, but I’m not sure when I get that one deleted. If anyone knows of any other websites that I have accounts on, let me know; as far as I know I’ve deleted all of them. I am keeping this blog. I have decided I need to blog more often–writing is therapeautic, right?

I got a job recently. Sam’s Club Cafe. Yay me… I love having a steady paycheck again, but I hate having to worry about whether the car will make it to and from work and whether the people watching my child are doing a good job. I hate that when I come home to a dirty house I don’t feel like cleaning it so it stays nasty because my husband works a whopping 8 hours a week more than me and feels that entitles him to not help with housework. I hate fighting with my husband about what I chose to spend my check on even though he hates me telling him what to do with his checks. I hate the fact that he threatened to divorce me again today; he even went so far as to look up the cost of divorce in Arkansas. I told him if it was something he really wanted to do he’d come up with the money to go through with it, but he should know that I am entitled to half his stuff (community property state) and I doubt they’re going to award full custody to him after the abuse he’s put me through (story for another time…)

After he watched some shows on his computer and played around for a bit he calmed down some, but I’m not sure I have. He thinks I start ALL the fights, that life would be so great for him if I didn’t bitch all the time. Right, cause it’s too much to ask if I want him to watch his own child while I go to the job he insisted I get? It’s too much to ask if I want him to drive her to the sitter so I’m not late to work? It’s too much to ask if I want him to find a sitter who doesn’t neglect her? It’s too much to ask if I want him to let ME have fun with MY friends every once in a while instead of it always being him who goes to movies and conventions and restuarants?

I’m fairly certain that if he doesn’t divorce me before then, then after I get my bachelor’s degrees I’m going to move to live in the town where I attend grad school, and Luna will be coming with me. I’m not going to file for divorce, because he’s the one who “wants out” not me. I want him to grow up and behave and treat me right, but I don’t want out. But I’ll go to grad school and work hard to support myself and Luna and he can stay in this big empty house and brood. Maybe he’ll get over himself and treat me right, or maybe he’ll file the divorce paperwork. But whatever he does will be on him, not me…

But I love him! Call me crazy if you will. Call my stupid if you will. But I love this man for all the good things he is. I want the abusive angry asshat that’s taken over Robert’s body to vacate the premesis, but I want the loving caring kind amazing wonderful man that I’ve always known and loved to stick around. Is that too much to ask?

George Strait–He wondered how she’d take it when he said goodbye. Thought she might do some cryin’: lose some sleep at night. But he had no idea, when he hit the road, that without him in her life, she’d let herself go. Let herself go on a singles cruise, to Vegas once, then to Honolulu.Let herself go to New York City: a week at the Spa; came back knocked-out pretty. When he said he didn’t love her no more, she let herself go.

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