And if the sun comes up tomorrow…

I was born the year Reagan was privately sworn in for his second term, the year “We Are The World” was recorded, the year the FDA approved the first blood-testing for AIDs, the year New Coke was both released and recalled, the year Calvin and Hobbs debuted, the year DNA was first used in a criminal case…I have been through bad times in my own life: my biological father, my miscarriages, my own poor judgement over the years, and so much has happened both to the world at large: there was that huge sunami, there was 9/11, there was Hurricane Katrina. And in 2007 I became a mother and then a wife.

I love my husband. He is sexy and strong. When he holds me tight I feel so safe in his arms. I love listening to the sound of his voice; some people claim he has a speech impediment, but I love the accent. I love looking into his eyes, sometimes grey and sometimes blue, but always soul-peircing. I love the fact that he is willing to work so hard at his job in order to provide for our little family.

I also love my daughter. I love her blonde curls. I love her beautiful smile, almost all her teeth grown into a uniform pearlywhite row. Even when she smears her poo or vomits on me or pulls my hair; I know she is not trying to be evil. I love watching her dance whenever music plays, no matter the genre. Her favorite TV shows are John & Kate Plus Eight and CSI. She likes to color and play with her unplugged computer keyboard, undoubtedly wishing we would allow her to play on our computers.

I have decided that I love my life. I am taking sixteen hours of classes at my University, and I am a full-time wife and mother. Next semester I will be in eighteen hours. I enjoy learning new things and meeting new people. I also enjoy pleasing my husband, antediluvian though that concept may seem to some people. I also enjoy when my little girl is happy.

I guess I should be a happy person all the time…but no so much, no. There are things that hurt me, things that frustrate me. Like waking up in the middle of the night with the strong sense that someone is in my room hovering over me, but a quick flipping open of my phone lights up the room enough to reveal that there is no one about.

Or like not having a period since September 5th and having all the pregnancy symptoms but all my urine tests come up negative. Or like having some guy feel the need to point out to me that I am growing a beard. Or like working very hard on an assignment for a class and then getting back a low grade because the teacher expects perfection.

Ah, but I suppose I should find a meditation to do, kind of like how I meditated through childbirth. Something to take my mind off of inner and outer daemons. Any suggestions?

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