Attention Guys Everywhere:

While chatting with my friend Charlotte, she decided that we ought to come up with a list of things MEN should never say or do, in retaliation for a list she found of things men don’t want to hear from women. I edited our list and am posting it here; I put her name in parentheses next to anything she came up with. I thought of three different songs while I was editing this, so in a break from my usual, I put all three after the post. Men, listen up and take notes! Cause if you get it wrong, we might just do like the praying mantis

  1. Stop contradicting yourselves! In one part of the guy’s list, we aren’t supposed to talk about our work day or at least be brief about it, and in another, we can’t use the word fine as a stand-alone sentence. (Charlotte)
  2. We can and WILL talk about our day, and you damn well better listen, cause you get pissy with us for not admiring your extensive knowledge of Yugi-Oh cards and batting averages.
  3. The guy who wrote that list is one of those ones that thinks women are only good for sex apparently. Well guess what men? We are good for a hell of a lot more than just sex, and we can also deny you sex if you refuse to acknowledge our other talents, and you have no right to be pissed about it.
  4. Women don’t want to hear “You’ll find someone great…” after you break up with us. (Charlotte)
  5. Nor do we want to hear, “it’s not you, it’s me.”
  6. Nor do we want to hear “I still care about you…(Charlotte)”
  7. Nor do we want to hear “she’s just my friend, honest!”
  8. We do not want to be compared to mothers, yours or ours. (Charlotte)
  9. Nor do we want to be compared to other women.
  10. We don’t care if you mention your ex, but if you compare us to the ex, that’s a big no-no.
  11. Never utter the phrase, “You sure you really need to eat that?” (Charlotte)
  12. Talking to the ex without telling us pisses us off.
  13. Why do we need details? Tell about your work day or your game you just played, but don’t mind if we’re still IMing our friends online and answer with the occasional “uh huh.” (Charlotte)
  14. We don’t want to hear you bitch about your days if you don’t want to take our suggestions.
  16. Don’t ask us questions and then argue with us about our answers. (Charlotte)
  17. Don’t bitch about how we spend our money if you don’t want us doing it to you.
  18. Our intelligence is off limits; our weight is off limits—very simple rules, just like your “size” is off limits. (Charlotte)
  19. Also, the boobs are off limits, as far as talking about how they could be improved upon.
  20. Don’t say things like, “Why should I give you a ride, you need the exercise.”
  21. You especially have no right to talk about our weight if you are bigger than us. (Charlotte)
  22. Appreciate us, if you appreciate little things like eating without being poisoned. (Charlotte)
  23. Don’t expect us to change things like my religion and such after we’ve been together for a few years. (Charlotte)
  24. Don’t think you have the right to decide what happens in our uteruses.
  25. Clean up after your own mess! (Charlotte)
  26. Don’t bitch about our cooking if you’re not going to cook your own meals.
  27. WE have to clean up after babies and kids; WE shouldn’t have to clean up after you in the bathroom! (Charlotte)
  28. Don’t remind us of what all you’re allergic to or ask when dinner is, especially if you don’t care if we’ve eaten all day! (Charlotte)
  29. Don’t bitch about whether the laundry’s done if you’ve no desire to do it yourself.
  30. Or if you don’t think about the fact that WE also have nothing to wear or have less than you. (Charlotte)
  31. Don’t bitch about the toilet being dirty if you’re the one who can’t aim.
  32. Don’t complain about needing new clothing if WE are wearing clothes and shoes with holes in them.
  33. Don’t tell us that WE have to buy off brand food and toiletries and such if you get whatever you want.
  34. Don’t ask when laundry is getting done when we’ve just walked through the door, then say, “Oh good cause I’m out of socks.” (Charlotte)
  35. Don’t change the channel without asking us if we’re watching what’s on.
  36. Don’t nosily ask us who’s on the phone or instant messenger with us if you’re going to get pissed when WE do it to you.
  37. Don’t bitch about us not keeping up with you when you are inches taller and have longer legs. You try trailing behind someone six foot five or something. (Charlotte)
  38. Don’t remind us of what you do when you cook, because you don’t! (Charlotte)
  39. Don’t EVER tell a stay at home mom that she doesn’t WORK.
  40. It would be nice if WE were recognized for all the things WE DO at home. (Charlotte)
  41. Anyone who does the housework should be thanked for it.
  42. Don’t tell us about how you do the laundry and dishes since its been two years since you’ve done either and you were doing them for one person, not someone else and sometimes two others. (Charlotte)
  43. NEVER say things like, “because WE have a job” when we ask why you get to waste money but we don’t.
  44. DO NOT TOUCH OUR COOKING!!! (Charlotte)
  45. Don’t tell us how to do the dishes; we’ve been washing them the same way all our lives and no one’s gotten ill or died so maybe we’re doing it right and maybe you need to shut the hell up unless you want to do them yourself.
  46. Don’t tell us to shut the hell up!
  47. Don’t interrupt us when we’re talking.
  48. Don’t ignore us when we’re talking.
  49. Don’t insult our intelligence in front of others. (Charlotte)
  50. On second thought, don’t insult our intelligence, period.
  51. Don’t call us stupid just cause WE don’t know how the thingamajig makes the doohickey work on the vehicle.
  52. WE shouldn’t have to tell you how to turn the iron off. (Charlotte)
  53. Don’t complain about the way WE parent our children; you are gone all day; you don’t know how it works.
  54. Don’t complain about the way WE parent our pets; you are gone all day; you don’t know how it works.
  55. Don’t tell us how little work something is when you don’t do it on top of YOUR job AND going to school. (Charlotte)
  56. Don’t tell us that school is easy when you’ve NEVER gone.
  57. Don’t ask us where WE want to go five times and narrow down the choices ’til WE pick someplace WE know you’ll say yes to even if WE don’t really want to go there. (Charlotte)
  58. Don’t ask for my opinion on something if you really didn’t want it.
  59. Say “thank you” for us cleaning off something that hasn’t been done in years and doesn’t belong to us! (Charlotte)
  60. Don’t come home to find that WE have cleaned the entire house from top to bottom and then complain that WE forgot to dust the baseboards and ceiling fans.
  61. Don’t glorify yourself for doing a load of jeans that you needed anyway when we’ve been gone and expect us to bless you with accolades for doing a couple of our pairs. (Charlotte)
  62. Don’t bitch about how WE arrange the furniture, if WE have to clean around it WE want it set up our way.
  63. And you’re not there all day so we’ll arrange it to our liking. (Charlotte)
  64. Don’t bitch about how WE have the kitchen arranged; WE do most of the cooking.
  65. Don’t complain about what little money you have when we’re broke. (Charlotte)
  66. Don’t get pissed off when WE throw out something of yours that looked nasty, served no discernable function, and had been in the bottom of a grimy cardboard box for two years where you never once inquired as to it’s whereabouts.
  67. Don’t bitch at us for leaving the seat DOWN.
  68. Don’t inquire about the grimace on our faces when you tell us you’ll put something in the attic that’s yours that serves no purpose and is in our way! (Charlotte)
  69. Don’t freak out when you wake up and we’re not home; you’ve never known us to run off in the middle of the night, so calm down and realize that WE’re either taking out the garbage or checking the mail; besides, you leave without telling us and WE don’t bitch at you.
  70. Just give us a minute to ourselves. (Charlotte)
  71. Don’t say “I was getting worried” when WE call in and say we’re going to be late when you don’t do that. We have cell phones and while WE are glad you care, we’re responsible. (Charlotte)
  72. Don’t worry when dinner is being served. Unless we have previously agreed to go out, it will be at the same time it always is. (Charlotte)
  73. Don’t let the kids/pets make a mess and then bitch at US for not cleaning it up.
  74. Don’t think anything of it when WE ask if we could go shopping or look in the thrifty nickel to replace furniture that you’ve had since you were six and that ripples when we move. (Charlotte)
  75. Don’t complain about having to put bed sheets on your bed and how it bends your back when WE had to take them off and refuse to put them on when WE realized WE could really hurt ourselves. Realize that other people smaller than you don’t have your reach. (Charlotte)
  76. Don’t laugh at us when WE can’t reach something on the top shelf.
  77. Don’t expect a blow job all the time when you haven’t done that for us in a long time.
  78. Don’t expect us to want to have sex with you when you’ve been mean. (Charlotte)
  79. Don’t bring up our past mistakes and then get pissed off and throw a man fit when WE bring up something from your past.
  80. Past mistakes are forbidden…along with name calling. (Charlotte)
  81. Don’t call us bitches because you will get mad if WE call you an asshole.
  82. Don’t talk to us as if you are the king and WE are the servants.
  83. Don’t bitch about our not packing your lunches for work when WE find out from your coworkers that you actually eat your lunches on your first break and end up wasting our money on something else during your actual lunch break.
  84. Don’t get pissed off at us for “squandering” money when you don’t do anything and spend what WE give you on stupid shit. (Charlotte)
  85. Don’t get a grimace on your face when WE can’t remember something you said “the other night” when to you that could mean over a week ago. (Charlotte)
  86. Don’t say how our tool bars to you are ridiculous and ask if WE use all of them; it’s not on yours so why does it matter? (Charlotte)
  87. Don’t complain about the size of the icons on our computer desktops, again, not yours.
  88. Don’t tell us that what WE like to watch is stupid; WE don’t say that about the crap you watch.
  89. Don’t sit and watch television with us and continue to make rude comments about it. (Charlotte)
  90. Don’t talk shit about our friends; WE have a lot of bad stuff to say about your pals but WE don’t because they are your friends.
  91. Don’t assume that caring for kids/pets is the sole responsibility of women.
  92. Don’t promise you’ll take us out somewhere and then change your mind at the last minute.
  93. Don’t think we can read YOUR minds.
  94. Don’t leave a plate of food in the refrigerator without covering it, claiming you’re going to eat it later; you never do and then it gets nasty and we end up having to clean up after you.
  95. Don’t ask us a question and then get pissed five seconds later cause we haven’t responded yet.
  96. Don’t think it’s hilarious when you witness another guy patronizing us, but then get pissed when another guy ogles us.
  97. Don’t yell at us for eating your food; if we are living together or married then the food belongs to both of us.
  98. Don’t call us if we’re not home ten minutes after our classes/jobs let out, and be pissed if we say we’re going to be late.
  99. Don’t act like it’s our fault if we get pregnant; your dick played a roll in the process, so be proud that your guys can swim and own up to your responsibilities.

100. And last (for now) but certainly not least, don’t ever forget that if it wasn’t for a woman, you wouldn’t be in this world, so treat us with respect, appreciate our eccentricities, and kiss our asses (or other fun parts) whenever possible, because a woman brought you into this world, and women can take you out!

Mindy McCready–Guys do it all the time, and you expect us to understand. When the shoe’s on the other foot, you know that’s when it hits the fan. Get over it honey, life’s a two-way street, or you won’t be a man of mine.

Amy Dalley–Cupid works for the devil. Be suspicious if he cries. You know sex is usually good, yeah, but it ain’t always right. Chocolate is a band-aid, and no matter what they say, shoes don’t stretch, and men don’t change.

Terri Clark–Girls lie, too. We don’t care how much money you make, what you drive, or what you weigh. Size don’t matter anyway. Girls lie, too. Don’t think you’re the only ones, who bend it, break it, stretch it some. We learn from you. Girls lie, too.

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