The title is a rhetorical question. I do not expect, nor do I even want, an answer. Now to the essay leading up to the question…I did not hesitate to sign my marriage license. I have loved husband for so long; we’ve been through so much; it just seemed like the right thing to do. And I still love him, I always will. But we have Luna Rayne, and she needs a loving household. I did not want to be a yelling or spanking parent. Not that I think parents who do so are abusing their kids (there is a difference between discipline and child abuse) but that I was worried that I, as a childhood victim of abuse, would carry that on to my children.
Husband was also a childhood victim of abuse. We also both witnessed horrible examples of marriage. I want Luna to have a loving home, free from trauma and drama and a psycho Dad and Mama. I want her to be nothing but smiles unless it’s beyond my control, such as a sprained ankle because she was playing tag and missed a pothole or stepping on glass at the lake or a broken heart cause her first grade crush pushed her in the mud.
Those are things beyond my control that if she cries, I’ll hold her and love her and “kiss it and make it better mommy…” But there are things that I also should have control over, that I don’t always feel like I do. For example, my own anger. Sometimes I am rude and even vindictive to my husband. Sometimes I do start fights, pick at things that are better left alone. Like this morning when he was telling his best friend Danny on the phone that he would leave work early if he had to so he could be there for the birth of Danny’s first child.
After the call I felt the need to point out that it was stupid of him to take time off work when we’re poor so he could be at Danny’s kid’s birth when Danny didn’t do that for Luna’s birth. It started an argument; husband said that was MY problem if I was upset at Danny! So my feelings were hurt; why the fuck does he take Danny’s side?! Danny was the one that told me all about a bunch of husband’s affairs over the years…some friend, huh?
But really, why do I need to bring that shit up? Why do I feel the need to start those fights? And this afternoon, I was on the computer, and Luna was pooping in her diaper. Luna has a routine, she’ll poop and poop and when she’s done, she’ll come up and slap my knees and tell me in baby babble that she’s ready for a change. If I change her before that, she’ll poop in the new diaper too, thus wasting our money and time. So husband had asked me to cook a meal before Luna was done.
I got up and started to fix something. He came in there and said, “What are you doing?” “Cooking a meal,” I said. He asked me what kind of meal and I felt the need to retort, “The kind you eat!” So he went and sat down without another word…then Luna started getting into the stuff on my desk. He did nothing. I couldn’t do both. I couldn’t watch her AND cook. I mean, I could see her and that she wasn’t hurt, but I couldn’t take stuff from her from that far away.
HE was playing World of Warcrack. He could have gotten up, but he didn’t for the longest time. Then when he did, it was just to spank her HARD on the leg and tell her no and take the item away, leaving her in my chair where she could still get stuff. Then he sat his ass back down at the computer while making a smartass remark about me not changing her shitty diaper. So after a bit Luna got out of her chair and went into the kitchen to tell me she needed a change.
I told her, “Go ask daddy,” which was my way of saying, “Husband get off your ass and change her diaper if you want this fucking meal cooked.” But he did nothing, so I gave up and changed her. After changing her I went and talked to him for a bit about how I would appreciate if he watched her while I’m doing stuff and about how I don’t want to keep spanking her and yelling at her because it’s really doing no good and because her leg had a hand shaped red mark, which went away not long after that, but still shouldn’t have been there.
Then I went back to the food. Well, she got up to my desk again, spilled my glass of KoolAid ALL OVER MY NINTENDO DS. I didn’t notice she’d done that, only that she had my school folder and was ripping it to shreds. He didn’t care. So I left the food to burn again while I went to stop her. That’s when I saw the KoolAid. I was pissed. While cleaning the mess, I ranted and raved for about thirty minutes. I told him that I loved him, appreciated all the hard work he does, but that HIS job is NINE HOURS A DAY FOR FIVE DAYS A WEEK whereas MY job is TWENTY FOUR HOURS A DAY SEVEN DAYS A WEEK.
He said, “that’s what you chose when you wanted to be a stay at home mom.” BULL FUCKING SHIT! What I chose was to be home with her while he’s at work. I chose to help our finances by not shelling out $125 a week for daycare (the cheapest one in town)! I chose to help further my college education by not having the stress at work and home keep me so overloaded that I cannot focus at all on my studies. I chose to do all the housework so he wouldn’t have to.
But he and I together chose to have this child and raise her the first time we had sex. Plain and simple. If you don’t want kids you don’t have sex, unless you have your inner sex organs removed. So yes, we chose to have this child and raise her. But we don’t have to be together to do that. And he knew that. I told him before to choose me or all the other pussies in the world but I didn’t wanna share him anymore. So he chose me.
He chose me, with all my faults and weaknesses, but EVERY DAY I do something and he doesn’t like it or I don’t do something I should have done. And then we fight…he says I start them all. He says it’s my fault. But I refuse to accept responsibility for the iceburg that hits the Titanic…So where are we at? What do we do? I have told him before that if he doesn’t love me, he needs to own up to that so we can go on with our lives, so Luna can still be happy.
His brother is going through a divorce right now. I feel for the man. I feel for the little girl, four years old, Luna’s cousin. The wife left and there’s talk amongst the family that she might have been having an affair. I don’t want to be that way. I don’t want to get divorced; I don’t want MY family talking about how it was all husband’s fault or HIS family blaming it on me. I want us to stay together and be happy and love one another and the big yellow house with the white picket fence and the dog and the yard and the 2.5 children and the mortgage and the SUV (or Prius, I’m flexible) and they all lived happily ever after in the land of Tir Na Nog…ah, but want we want and what we get aren’t always one in the same.
We’ll get through this, or we won’t, but I hope we do. At least my DS isn’t ruined, the KoolAid wiped off and it still works just fine. And I should know better than to leave anything closer than six feet from the ground, LMAO. Well, thanks once again, imaginary friends, for reading another one of my bitch fests. If you aren’t imaginary, feel free to leave a comment, even if it something along the lines of “I am neither for nor against that,” which is my favourite thing to post on my friend Maegan’s FanFics.
Anyhooters, ta ta for now!
CrazyTown–So sexy, almost evil, talkin’ about butterflies in my head. I used to think happy endings were only in the books I read, but you made me feel alive when I was almost dead. You filled that empty space with the love I used to chase and as far as I can see it don’t get better than this, so butterfly, here is a song and it’s sealed with a kiss and a thank you miss.