Finality…

OH MY FRUCKING GROD!!!! It’s finals week!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Heart attack anyone? I know I’m having one. Let’s break it down: Friday my daughter was going all psycho on me, I turned a paper in late, my husband and I had a huge argument, my hardrive’s memory got erased…Saturday was somewhat okay, but boring…Sunday I hooked my desktop up and reinstalled some stuff but something’s wrong with the keyboard because it doesn’t like to work all the time anymore…Monday I went to school way early so I could take my World Literature final only to discover that apparently I was a DAY LATE!!! And today, Tuesday, it is a little after 12:00am and I have a paper due at 5:25pm and I don’t have the motivation to write the stupid thing…and later this week I have about six other papers due which I also really don’t feel like working on, finalizing, or even showing up to turn in. This semester has kind of gotten away from me; as did last semester. I guess I really have lost my heart for college, but I need to drive through it anyway, or I’ll never get done. Luna will be a year on the 14th and I really need to get this set up for her future, ya know? And Robert is working hard at his job every night and I really ought to be showing my appreciation, but I lack the motivation to due the dishes, take out the garbage, cook the meals, pack his lunches, etc. etc. et fucking cetera! You know, all the things that I had told him I would do, yeah all the things I swore up and down years ago that I wanted to do! I always wanted to be a stay-at-home-mom, a house-wife; do the cooking and the cleaning and the childbearing and rearing and the man would work; don’t yell at me Susan B. it wasn’t about setting womankind back a few hundred years, it was about providing the sort of stability for my children that I never had growing up. Children do not need a mother and father to survive, nor do they need a stay-at-home parent, but I always wanted to be Mrs. Soccer-mom/PTA Mom so that my children would have access to me, my advice, my shoulders to cry on, blah blah blah…what I failed to consider was my inherent aversion to all things work related! So here I am failing miserably at the mommy/wifey abilities, and failing miserably at the student thing, and knowing that my husband would prefer me to seek out employment once more even though we cannot financially afford childecare which is basically a damned if you do damned if you don’t sort of situation and I’m all kinds of behind in everything that I’m supposed to be working on as of late but all I want to do is sleep and maybe zone into the occasional computerverse and I really just wish there were some magickal remedy to my lack of motivation but there isn’t and I’m pretty much screwed if I don’t get off of my fat lazy arse and do my jobs, all of them, perfectly, and by yesterday! Quench–And I am underwhelmed again wanting more than you are giving, underwhelmed again. Is there more than I am seeing?

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