Every night, I bathe Luna, clothe her, make a fresh bottle, and put her to bed by 8pm at the absolute latest. Most nights, she stands in her crib protesting the notion of sleep. The usual tricks of singing, humming, rocking, etcetera do no good. She once loved these comfortings from her mommy, but now she doesn’t. Now, the only thing that works for her is to lay in her crib and cry herself to sleep. If her diaper is clean and her belly is fully and she’s doing the sleepy dance, then I put her in her crib and after a few minutes of waaahing she drifts off to wonderland. As for me, sleep comes less easily these days…I love my husband; just don’t love his attitude at times…but I suppose I can be a bitch sometimes too…on his days off, or whenever our friend Sammy comes over Robert doesn’t sleep and then he is cranky when he does wake up. I tell him that I know he is tired, but that doesn’t excuse his attitude towards me, and it sets a bad example for Luna; and that perhaps he should go to bed when he says he needs to so that he is more rested…so the other night I went on this tirade and for some rare reason he actually didn’t bitch back like he normally would have…perhaps he was too tired to, or perhaps he’s evolving…Here lately, if he is an ass, he actually apologizes, which is a step in the right direction; both of us need to work on the whole not being a bitch/asshole part…I make it a point not to fight in front of Luna at least, if an argument starts in front of her I do my best to change the subject…kind of like right now…I really should do some homework, some chores, unpack all those boxes from when we moved in…someone tell me how to be a mommy, a wife, a maid, a chef, and a student simultaneously! I’ve never really been very good at living in the here and now. At least in school I am doing alright so far; I have two A’s, two B’s, and two ?’s for my grades. but I have, oh, say, ten papers to write and a powerpoint and lots of things to read and research and revise and resubmit and re a drop of golden sun…what I really need is a magical brain washing or magical lobotomy or if I could have Mary Poppins’, Merlin’s, Jeanie’s, and Samantha’s powers…sometimes I really do wish magic worked like it did on television. But alas, TV magic is unavailable to the masses, so instead I must settle for some alternatives. I used to go for long walks in the dark of night barefoot, enencumbranced, and talk to the moon, the stars, in a language only I could understand; I would state the facts, my thoughts, sort it all out, and when I returned home I was rejuvenated, more alive…unfortunately, I can no longer take these walks…My friend Jas has suggested that I should try taking walks in my mind, something like astral projection, but in my own private and special Imagination Land…visualizations she called them. I have to used visualizations sometimes to help me a la boudoir because of my childehood and the disassociation…I also used visualization during my pregnancy for peace of mind…I visualized the childebirth and it going smoothly. Can visualizations actually help me de-stress? Well, I must try at least. I’m proud of myself about the birthing thing…people said I was INSANE to not want drugs, but I did it. When/if I have another baby I won’t get drugs then either. However, one thing I would do differently next time around is to try and let labour occur naturally…induction was almost a necessity with Luna because me going into labour on my own might not have been safe (lack of transportation and all of that). Robert did well as a labour coach; I just wish that he could have done some other things differently back then…but the past is just that and we can go on with our lives…I love him, and while me made some extremely poor choices during and after my pregnancy, I honestly think we both made the right one to stay together. I never set out to trap him, and he had many options that did not include marrying me, so I know he chose me because he loves me and not because he felt obligated to. I also know that love in my mind is unconditional and so I cannot hate parts of him; I must love all of him, even if I don’t like parts of him…Since we’ve been married, he has been very good to me for the most part, though we have fought a few times. I am willing and able to see my part in the arguments, and sometimes I do feel like he is entirely in the wrong, but I choose to drop it to keep the peace. The one thing I do choose to keep fighting about is respect, that we both respect each other. I know I have many faults (laziness, obesity, overeating, bitchiness, sporadic mood swings not related to woman stuff) and that he has his faults as well, but column for column the good does outweigh the bad, and I can change what I need to in myself. We fought less when we were in Texas for a week, and I honestly think it was because there wasn’t near as much stress. Maybe we SHOULD move to Houston. Well imaginary friends, sorry for the random rant. I have always been rather analytical; ofttimes overtly so… Cantatonia–Me and my imaginary friend have been going round the bend for some time now, for some time now.
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