So I have been married for a week point five, and you know what? I do not feel that much different. I mean, I am loving the married life, the security, the love, the wonderfulness, but we had some of that already, and it is not as if we were not already living together. Plus, we have the Luna of six months, so we already had some things, but now that we are married, there is that legally binding contract. I was amazed at what Robert did on Halloween. I mean, I had been wanting it for four years! But I had gotten so cynical, that even the day of, I was thinking he was NEVER going to marry me. I honestly had NO clue what was going on. The funny thing is, he told several other people that he planned to propose to me on Halloween, but they apparently did not understand that he intended to go through with the wedding the same day! I cried at my own wedding, which I am sure I told you imaginary blog readers already, but they were tears of joy. I love Robert very much, and I know that he and I regret the bad things we have put one another through, as well as thoroughly enjoying the good things, so this marriage is a good thing. It was not just because of Luna. That would have been a mistake, to marry just because of her. Granted, she stands to benefit a lot from growing up with two loving parents married and living in the same household and whatnot, but it was not about Luna. It was about the love that Robert and I have had for one another from day one, and the need to make legal what our hearts already knew. The only problem I am having is stilling my mind when it wanders down dark alleys…I have always had issues, as you may well know if you have been with my blog from day one, but I have no idea how to stop myself from being insane! I keep rehashing in my head events and conversations from days, months, weeks, years past that I need not even remember, let alone rekindle. I once said that I cannot be happy if there is nothing to be sad about. That paradox has always been true for me. I love my husband, I love my daughter, I love most of my situation, aside from the roach and mice infested hovel they call an apartment complex we are renting from, but mostly life is grand. I am working on a college education, money is tight, but we are not homeless. It is just that little things keep creeping in and trying to make themselves look so big and important. First, there is this lawsuit. Remember the death car I made the mistake of attempting to own last year? Well, on Wednesday, those idiots who sold it to me had the sheriff serve me a court summons. Apparently they are suing me for five-thousand dollars, which they think I still owe them, and after Friday’s consultation with a lawyer, and a few arguments with my husband, I have come to the sinking conclusion that there is nothing that can be done about it. I neither have the money to fight them nor to pay them…it sucks sometimes being poor. And what is really bad, is if I lose the case, they could seize all my income and assets up to the five-thousand dollars. As I currently earn nothing, and the only assets I have are POSC’s that are not really mine to sell, I have no idea what I could do. The lawyer said that they could seize wages and assets up to ten years from the date of judgment, and if they so desire could renew the judgment for another ten years, at no cost to themselves. This could go on for the rest of my life, or until they are satisfied. He did suggest I attempt to settle out of court, but as I both have no desire to pay them even a penny, and have no penny to pay them, that is also not an option. In addition to this stupid lawsuit, there is our food stamps, which were dropped from 420 to 170 because I HAD been working. Now that I am no longer working, and married, I tried to resubmit the paperwork, in the hopes that they would fix it, but there are no guarantees, and it will still take a month or two, which means we are back to sandwiches and Ramen noodles until they do fix it. And to make matters more fun (said cynically) my blood pressure has been acting up again. I have been retaining water. My wedding ring fits me just fine, but sometimes it is way too tight. I am supposed to be on a low-sodium diet to combat this issue, but how can I do that when we are attempting to make 170 dollars feed three mouths for a whole month? Worries and whatnot aside, there are my own internal struggles to contend with. My mind does terrible things to me. I get all depressed, and I have to force myself to stay positive somehow. One day, Robert came into the bedroom and caught me staring at my wedding band, in a daze. I was in one of those moods where I thought he did not love me, and so I was staring at the ring thinking, “Ashley, if he does not love you, why would he have married you?” I was arguing with myself when he walked in, and you know what he did? He jumped on me, and hugged me and tickled me until the only thing I could do was laugh and smile. My husband is so wonderful sometimes…but why can I not focus on all of that wonderfulness? How screwed up am I? As a childe, I shunned therapy and anything resembling it, but I am really wishing now, at 22, that I could afford a decent psychologist. I do not want a psychiatrist, as I have no desire to be on drugs for this mind thing, but if I had someone who is paid to give a shit, maybe I could talk to him or her and maybe they could help me derail my Amtrak Baggage Car. It is horribly annoying to have to carry all of that around, but no matter how many times I try to check my baggage at the door, my personal concierge always brings it in after me, and there it is for me to trip over, stumble on, stare at, unpack and display. I am just glad that I have such a loving and understanding husband. But I know that it will drive him batty trying to deal with me all the time, so I must figure something out. My Medicaid only covers my method of birth control, so I still need money to see a psychologist, but maybe I could at some point. I suppose for now I will just need to blog more often, write my poetry, do my artwork, and try to remember how to meditate. I did it so well when I was having Luna, why can it not work for me now? L7–I’m lookin’ old today in a very sort of jaded way, very cynical and hard, weeds all over my yard. I can’t remember the summer. It’s all a blur, yeah. It’s been pilin’ high. It’s been pilin’ up so goddamn high, now I’ve got baggage. I’m probably tagged for life. My self-righteous eyes wanna close the book. It’s got nothing to do with the looks. Can’t keep it together, losing my grip, yeah, I’ve been sinking down, time to abandon ship. It’s hard to swim with baggage. My friends are all strangers. They stopped calling weeks ago, but guilt’s a heavy load. It’s a very very heavy load packed in my baggage.
View the full blog at heartchasms.blogspot.com and like the blog on Facebook.