Luna is about four months old now. I love her very much, and am proud that she is growing and changing and all that jazz. What irks me is that I NEVER get enough sleep. So when I can sleep, I conk out to the neglect of all other chores and tasks. She keeps me awake most days with the need to be held, played with, talked to, fed, changed, etcetera, and I love her and I do these things for her, but when she sleeps, I try to sleep, and it does not always work out that way.
She is sleeping through the night now, which is good for boyfriend, because it means less wake up times, but since I work nights she is active all day long when I need the sleep. Some days I can get her to nap with me, but then it throws her schedule off, so she will not sleep when he needs her to. Suffice to say NEITHER of us is getting enough sleep because we do not have Luna on a set schedule like she needs to be. Then there are the other things I am neglecting.
I am so far behind in school right now, and it is terrible because of all the bragging I did about my summer grades, here I am failing a few weeks into the fall semester. I suppose the grades are fixable, but I rarely have the TIME to work on the things. And then there is the housework I have been neglecting. Yes, we live in a roach and rat infested hovel and yes I should be doing much more to keep the house clean, though it would not rid us of the pests as the entire complex is infested, but it might help, but I am lazy and lethargic and all I want to do is sleep when I am not taking care of Luna.
I did scrub the entire kitchen from top to bottom the other day, but I did not get ALL of the dishes done and so it was kind of a waste. Also, I keep telling boyfriend I will have dinner on the table when he gets home from work, and then there is nothing because I will finally fall asleep right before I should have started cooking. I suppose it could be said that it is not fair for him to resent my not cooking given the circumstances, but then there is the fact that I want to show him–and myself–that I can be wife and mother and student and employee all at once.
Maybe I should not have to also bust my arse at a dead end job that makes me miserable and cranky, maybe going to school is not a necessity, maybe I am making mountains out of molehills and maybe no one put the bomp in the bomp bah bomp bah bomp. At any rate, something has to give. I am about to get fired from my job, Luna is not getting enough attention, my school work is suffering, and the house looks disgusting most of the time.
(Case in point the pile of CLEAN laundry on the couch from a week or so ago.) I am neglecting to do the things I PROMISED I would. I should not tell him I am going to put the laundry away, or do the dishes, or cook him dinner, if I am not going to do that. THAT is probably what makes him mad. I get mad if he does not do things he promises me he will do. I should keep that in mind when I refuse to clean house or cook because I am just too tired.
I should keep it in mind when I get mad that I have to wake up and care for Luna at 3am on my only night off when he also does not have to work the next day and would be able to get more sleep. I should not keep nagging him and neglecting my chores and sitting up on my high horse acting like he is the ONLY reason why our relationship is not always perfect. Especially when he does such WONDERFUL things for me. Do you remember the incident in San Marcos where the guy tried to rape me when I was drunk?
Boyfriend showed up ready to KILL the guy. And what about the times he randomly gives me gifts or kisses or orgasms that I did not initiate or ask for? And what about just yesterday when he gave me a card and a key chain proclaiming me the world’s best mommy and said that Luna picked it out and told him to bring it home and signed her name to the card and he will not let me thank HIM for it because he says Luna told him to pick it up when she was talking to him in Baby before he went to work.
It was cute and romantic and I think it was intended to make me feel better because I think I am a TERRIBLE mommy sometimes when I end up ignoring her in the interest of sleep and then wake up realizing that she has been crying for ten minutes and her diaper is poopy and it has run out onto her bedsheets and I hate myself for it. I guess I am trying to be supermom and he doesn’t think I have to be, but he wants me to not give up.
I guess it is giving up when I do not do the things I told him I would and it is giving up when I make lame excuses about why and it is giving up when I neglect to do my schoolwork and it is giving up when I do my job half ass because I am just too tired to do it right and it is giving up when I cry about the things that are going wrong instead of pondering the solutions. I love boyfriend very much, and I love all that he has done for me, and all the good times in our lives.
All that other stuff, the hurt and the pain and the tears and the rain and roller coaster ride that just will not quit and the infidelities on both our parts and angry words exchanged in passionate fights at 3am, those are NOT important. I love him. I chose him. He loves me. He chose me. There is no reason why he and I cannot make this work for our sake, but as they say in the AA it takes one day at a time. I know I need to quit calling everyone I know and whining about everything that boyfriend has EVER done wrong if I really want to be with him. I should quit telling people just how HORRIBLY he has treated me these four or five years.
I need to look at the WHOLE picture. We have BOTH made mistakes, but there is one thing in our lives that was not a mistake and she needs us to treat each other right from now on. I suppose the reason why I keep digging up bones and skeletons and dark and dirty secrets and opening up cans of worms and what not is that Chaos is my addiction. I suppose a twelve step program is not out of the question, but perhaps privately, as where is the sense in me going to meetings to wah to random strangers when I can do it without the special trip?
I can wah here on my blog all the time, and the world is my counselor, or not. People do not leave comments anymore (hint hint) but I should get off of here and do some of those things I have been mad at myself for neglecting. Bye all. And do not worry about me. Sleep is for the dead…
Electric Soft Parade–I plan to do it everyday, but I couldn’t care. It’s not as if I worry I’m never there, and what do you want in this, oh, something’s got to give.