Chaos Is More Addictive Than Heroin!

WELL…life has sure been…interesting…to say the least. And there are some new developments on the horizon to be revealed at a later date…dun…duhn…duhhnnn…but seriously folks, there was this argument a couple of days ago…blah blah blah and a bucket of blood…suffice to say that Robert and I have had, at long last, the volcanic explosion that we needed. He did some stuff, I did some stuff, it all resulted in the worst fight we have EVER had, and we did not speak for TWO days. But, the flood waters have receded, and what is left in its wake is far more beautiful and fragile a thing than ever we have had before. We now know what is at stake…so I am letting him mull over his thoughts while I drown in mine, and life will get back to normal eventually. Beware the green eyed monster and I know just how ugly I can be…but I have forgiven myself and him. No–to anyone who might be jumping to conclusions–we never laid a hand on each other in harm. And to anyone who might be masturbating to “Debbie Does Dallas” on mute and reading my blog aloud remembering my voice, there is NO CHANCE IN HELL that I will turn back to you for solace and comfort and a helping hand. Robert and I love each other very much, and we have reached the point of no return. I gave him an ultimatum, but then I did not follow through on my end of it, which was to give him time to think, and that is what resulted in the whole not speaking for two days thing…but we have spoken again. I told him I was sorry for all of the things I did to contribute to our problems, and that I forgave him for all of the things he did. I also told him some things that I had been thinking about, ways in which I could help to mend the rift…I have been very selfish as of late, blaming him for all our problems and not doing things that I said I would do because at the last minute I decided I wanted to do it my way and to hell with his feelings in the matter…on a positive note, we are working on things. He left for work this morning with a kiss on my lips. I will have the house quasi clean by the time he comes home tonight, and I have vowed (inwardly for doubt he would believe it) to never violate his personal space or private possessions again without his prior knowledge and consent. I also promised him that I would look into Depo-Provera or Tubal Ligation or some such thing as soon as I could, because though I do not want to give up my right to womanhood and motherhood, I also should not be selfish and crude and be like some of the women I have met who have several children under the age of five whom they cannot care for. As for the money thing that has been a BIG issue, I will get money for school, and we both work (me part time, he full time) and there are ways to make things work out for the better on that front. I had some blog readers praise me on the recent positive and happy postings, and I am sure this one will disappoint them, but it is not as it seems. Things really were going great, but I went seeking chaos to throw into the mix, and lo and behold guess what I found? So there is that. Why do I ALWAYS feel the need to destroy my own happiness? I mean, there I am watching an innocent butterfly flutter by and out of my own sadistic need for vengeance against absentee third party participants from previous acts of the Epic Greek Tragedy that is my life, I rip the beautiful wings off and leave the body twitching on the dusty path and then–just for fun mind you–I stomp downward and grind the writhing insect into the dirt…okay so that was a colorful and grotesque analogy, but you get the point, right? I see happiness and think, hmmm, this is too perfect, and if it seems too good to be true, it probably is not true, so what can I do, or accuse him of doing, or catch him doing that will fuck this up so I can be miserable again? He is tired of it…I am tired of it…Luna is only three months old but she is probably GOING to be tired of it…at any rate, I told him I wanted to heal–him, me, our relationship. I know it will take hard work and a BUNCH of duct tape…but I’m willing to try. Nickleback–Well something’s gotta go wrong, cause I’m feelin’ way to damn good, and it’s like, every time I turn around I fall in love, and find my heart face down, and where it lands is where it should. This time it’s like the two of us should probably start to fight, cause something’s gotta go wrong, cause I’m feeling way to dam good, oh feelin’ way too damn good.
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