For a couple of weeks now, I have been living with my friend, Bryan, and his father, Geoffrey. I met Bryan through, Evie, the girl who brought me to Oklahoma on a road paved with good intentions and bad advice, and left me broken and homeless due to her mistrust. Anyway, Bryan quit his job right before I moved in, so he and his father do not always get along so well. Both men have an apparent aversion to housework, so the place gets a little hard for me to handle at times, but when one is mooching off the charitableness of others, one cannot be quite so picky about one’s surroundings. Suffice to say that I tried one day to clean the house, cleaned the entire kitchen spic-and-span nonetheless, and I got a stern admonishing from the father about how I was not to do housework, and the son starts to think that I should do his chores for him (his father wants him to do housework in lieu of working) and all the while I felt like I’d done something wrong…So I do not do housework any more, nor do I cook; rarely do I eat here, preferring to figure out ingenious ways to spend one dollar on a meal in the year 2006. If I buy a soda off the sales floor, that’s as cheap as $0.50, unless I get a vending machine soda, and then it’s $0.25, but sometimes that machine is empty so the name brand machine-sodas are $0.40, or I can just drink tap water, but it tastes funny cause apparently there are some long-term-harmful-type contaminants in the local water. Free coffee is provided in the break room, but I’m not a big fan of coffee. As far as sustenance goes, a stick of string cheese is $0.25, $0.38 buys me about a cup of plain yogurt to which I usually add a $0.50 bag of unsalted shell-free sunflower seeds, $0.25 is a Cup-O-Noodles, $0.98 is a bag of toasted coconut marshmallows, $1.48 is a bowl of tomato soup and when coupled with $1.18 worth of pepperoni slices (my splurge meal) it tastes pretty good, and if I want to spend much more money than that, I could always ride along with a co-worker to Burger King or Taco-Bell, or buy a frozen-foods ready meal. I have to pinch-penny when it comes to food, because money is really tight right now, since they aren’t paying me very well for what I do for them. I worked eleven days in a row, and this Thursday I’ll get my paycheck to show for all of this over time and it’s just under $600 after taxes. Working myself literally sick (I have another upper-respiratory infection) doesn’t seem to be paying off very well. I suppose now is the time for me to make some major life-changing decisions. I am at a crossroads in my life, where I can just boohoo myself into the hearts of others and be a louse for the rest of my days, or I can get the fuck over my past, and go on with my life. I choose the latter. I plan to move on with my life, in a place where I know I can be safe, but also free. I know that it takes hard work, dedication, and learning to be still, and as soon as I find my Mecca I will do just that. In the mean while, I plan to not plan. That’s right, to heck with all my planning. For years I’ve done nothing but plan, and look where it has gotten me, veritable homelessness and struggling to stay afloat, a stranger in a strange land…This no more shall be. I have made up my mind to survive, starting now, without whining about it, without calling upon people whom I once thought had all the answers and expecting them to help me cheat. Life is, after all, a test, and pass or fail I’m going to do it myself. I am tired of asking for advice and getting vices added to my life. I am tired of needing a loved one or a friend to shelter, protect and help me. The only one I can trust to give me what I need is myself, everyone else is just a character in my life’s musical. It’s time I learned to sing along. I should stop and smell the roses; take some time in the sunshine…I should live. The Eagles–We are like sheep without a shepherd. We don’t know how to be alone, so we wander around this desert, and wind up following the wrong gods home, but the flock cries out for another, and they keep answering that bell, and one more starry-eyed messiah meets a violent farewell. Learn to be still. Learn to be still.
View the full blog at heartchasms.blogspot.com and like the blog on Facebook.