I helped boyfriend pack all of his belongings into his car, then he handed me the few items (such as groceries) that couldn’t fit or wouldn’t survive the trip, and got into the driver’s seat and drove out of my life again. The last words we said to each other were, “I love you,” and, with tears in my eyes, I carried the spoils of war up the three flights of stairs to my apartment and tried to be strong. We are but two people in a much larger world, and I know that out there, somewhere, is a woman who loves to be berated and abused and belittled in his way, and also out there, somewhere, is a man who loves to be coddled and cuddled and followed in my way.
It may even be possible that someday, in the far future, both of us will grow up at the same time and seek each other out once more, but I know now not to count on it. As much as losing the baby hurt, I know now that it was for the best, for had it survived, it would have left boyfriend and I hating each other, because of the stress of it all, and the poor child would suffer the brunt of it all. Even still, part of me, the naive little girl part of me, the Cleopatra Queen-Of-Denial part of me, wonders if, perhaps, there is even the very slightest chance that the doctors were wrong.
My body hasn’t returned to normal, and it has been three weeks, but it could be that my period is about to start, which would annoy the piss out of me, as I just barely quit bleeding from the miscarriage only days ago. Still, I wish that maybe my breasts would go back to normal already, that my stomach, which was never flat to begin with, would at least return to looking more flabby and less pregnant. I also wish that my abnormally erratic emotions would at least quit seeming like pregnancy mood swings.
Having these symptoms still only serves to remind me of what was lost. I know that I gained the freedom of choice for my future, that I gained the freedom of maybe being wrong about boyfriend though I hate to think of it that way. I really do feel like it was love, but only time and distance will tell. I took the phone away from him once more, but that just lays more financial burden upon my shoulders until I can find someone else to help pay the bill.
I owe money to several doctors now, and I have nothing to show for it. Boyfriend is gone, my baby is dead, and everything I own is strewn about my bedroom awaiting the arrival of my friends car, my covered wagon to Oklahoma…But I will survive. I always do.
Gloria Gaynor — Did I crumble? Did you think I’d lay down and die? Oh no, not I, I will survive. Oh, as long as I know how to love, I know I’ll stay alive. I’ve got all my life to live. I’ve got all my love to give, and I’ll survive. I will survive. I will survive.