Dazed And Confused

I lost my baby on Friday, am on the verge of possibly losing my crappy job, owe thousands of dollars to hospitals, Doctors, and loans, am on the verge of becoming homeless, and am about to lose Robert as well. I am, to say the least, on a precipice. I do not know whether to turn and face the uncertainty of another year in this unforgiving town living with someone I barely know and/or struggling from paycheck to paycheck, or to turn tail and run back to Mommy and admit failure to mine family, or to crash at a friends house for an indeterminate length of time crying my eyes out and overstaying my welcome. Part of me just wants to jump; perhaps I could fly away. I know I cannot stay in this apartment; I must move out by May 31st at the absolute latest. Even could I stay, I would not wish to, for my roommates care about as much for me as they would if cockroaches took up residence, and that is putting it kindly. I know I cannot go where Robert is moving, because his friend does not want me there, and the friend is getting the place, and part of me suspects that Robert is just using the friend as a cover for not wanting me there himself. I know I cannot allow myself to be a street person, but I also have no desire to sleep on my mommy’s couch. My cousin would allow me to stay with her, but anywhere I go I would need to continue working, and both mother and cousin live far from the Wal-Mart in that area, let alone from any other decent paying job. I have no car, and possibly will not hold this job very much longer. I have $20.10 in my lock box, and $52.53 in the bank, but I still owe the bank $242.18. This means that whatever I do, I cannot do it until I earn at least one more paycheck, if not two. By then, I should be able to pay off the bank debt and have some more cash, barring anymore unforeseen circumstances. The hospital bills from the pregnancy have to be several thousand, as the first one alone was well over $2000, and I went three times, not to mention the OBGYN visit I never paid for. I also still owe $500 on an ER visit from last year, and about $1500 and growing on my student loans. I never intended to go into debt like this. It sucks. I was doing great, until this pregnancy thing, paying off my loans and the old hospital bill with each paycheck I got, and I still had money left over after all of the bills. Had I known my pregnancy was doomed from the beginning to fail, I would not have bothered to miss work or go to the hospital and doctor so much, for it would not have done any good. Out of fear for my unborn child, I went from $7.60/hr and mandatory overtime as an overnight stocker to a less strenuous position within the company, resulting in $7.10 and hour and absolutely not even a second of overtime allowed as a sales floor associate. In fact, they even encourage us to leave early as often as possible. In addition to all of this, I missed a total of two and a half weeks of work. Needless to say, I’m not doing so well in the financial department, which is part of the reason why Robert is ready to up and leave town without me. He fears that I will end up not being able to hold up my end of the bills. It is futile to point out how well I was doing until just recently, futile to point out that I’ve only to work hard until mid June and I would have much of this straitened out; he has made his mind up. I suppose everything happens for a reason, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. Poison–We both lie silently still in the dead of the night. Although we both lie close together, we feel miles apart inside. Was it something I said or something I did? Did the words not come out right? Though I tried not to hurt you, though I tried, but I guess that’s why they say every rose has its thorn.

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