The Lost Ones

As of yesterday morning, my pregnancy officially ended. The five weeks of bleeding and pleading that led up to this event were hell, but the actual moment when the doctor told me the news was, to say the least, heartrending. I began the old worries about whether I will ever be able to have children; I began to envy those poor women who cannot conceive at all. I know that it is possible to have healthy babies after miscarriage, however this is not my first time to miscarry. It is discouraging to have fate allow you a positive pregnancy test and then tell you, “April Fools!” I suppose that I could come up with all kinds of pick-me-up phrases like the timing wasn’t right or some such thing, but the truth is, I was really looking forward to this, despite all of the trouble it was bringing. I loved that child even though we never got a chance to meet. Now all I have is the six weeks that I knew I was pregnant and the anxiety that it was somehow my fault. At any rate now I must go on with my own life and try to improve upon myself so that perhaps next time I find out I am to be a mommy I will be more prepared. I have always been emotionally unstable, so perhaps I will now have time to heal. I am also overweight, and could use some hardcore exercise to get me in shape; mayhap I should take this time to be the best I could be. I think perhaps my baby chose not to be born yet; maybe he knew that I needed more time to grow up myself. I say he, because I feel like I would have had a son. I would have named him after his father, and he would grow big and strong and help me take care of his younger sibling(s), look out for his little sister(s) and/or brother(s), but I will never know what he would have been like, and if there was something so terribly wrong with him as the doctors assume, perhaps it is better this way. All I know is, I miss him so much. I think it hurts much worse to lose someone you love when you’ve never even met. Michael Bolton–Seems like we’ve been waiting so long, and lately it’s been coming on much too strong. The way that I want you, the way that I need you, I’ll keep you here just as long as I can keep you. We can have everything.

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