As the weeks roll by, and the bleeding won’t cease, I continue to wonder what is wrong with me and my baby. My doctor tells me that the gestational sac is growing, but cautions me that I could be having a miscarriage, that only time will tell. I have researched the causes if early pregnancy bleeding, and mostly get sites talking about miscarried, ectopic, and false pregnancies. I don’t think I’m having a miscarriage, because it’s not happening all at once, and I don’t want to believe that fate would be so cruel as to finally bless me with a baby, and then say, “Just kidding…Its not real!” As for ectopic, the doctor has ruled that out, as the gestational sac is in the uterus, and not outside of it. A friend of my mother’s has told me of her troubles in one of her pregnancies. She has given me another thing to think about, one that worries me less, because it would mean that my baby and I are going to be okay, so long as I take it easy. Apparently she was a sufferer of placenta previa, and had bleeding in early pregnancy. She says that the symptoms I am describing are practically verbatim what she went through, that it is likely that I have it too. I looked it up, and cannot find sites that talk about women who bleed during early pregnancy because of placenta previa. Apparently, it is a very rare thing; most women with this condition don’t start bleeding until later in pregnancy. I know it sounds weird, but I am kind of hoping that this is what is wrong; if something is wrong I’d rather it not be something that means I won’t have a baby. I’d rather the annoyance of nine months of bed-rest than the pain of another failed pregnancy. I see my doctor again on Thursday, and when I see him, I will ask him about this condition, see if it is possible that I might have it. In the interim, I shall try to take it easy at work, for I cannot afford to miss work unduly. Should the doctor diagnose me with this condition, I will likely be placed on bed-rest, or at least told not to work, as my job does not create the possibility for sitting and laying around. Many women don’t understand what I am going through. They have never had miscarriages, don’t know what it’s like to know you are pregnant and find blood on your panties and your toilet paper, haven’t a clue what goes through a person’s head when she sees clots and bits of tissue coming out during pregnancy, cannot fathom the confusion of being told the baby is growing and knowing that the blood won’t quit. I get some sympathetic nods, some oh-that-is-just-too-bad’s, but mostly I get women telling me about all the times that they worked hard and heavy throughout the pregnancy. Mostly I get men telling me that they don’t understand the weakness of women. Mostly I get people telling me that women in Africa work fields in blistering heat for nine months of pregnancy, pop a squat, wrap the babe, sling it over their shoulders, and get back to the same fields. People don’t understand why I want to be careful; they don’t get it. I love this child, and don’t want anything to go wrong, and when things do, I get worried, and worry makes things worse. The worst thing a person can do is tell me not to worry, because it is inevitable that I do worry considering. I don’t want sympathy, but I do want understanding, or if people don’t understand, at least they could stop trying to lecture me. This is my body, and my baby. I’m going to have my baby. Lauryn Hill–Unsure of what the balance held, I touched my belly overwhelmed by what I had been chosen to perform, but then an angel came one day, told me to kneel down and pray.
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