The one dream I had when I was little, the one thing I wanted to do, not for money, nor for prestige, nor for power, was to be a mother. The reason I so desired and craved motherhood changed over the years. As a kid, I wanted someone to love me, as a teenager, I just wanted an excuse to get out of the house, but in recent years, I wanted them ‘someday,’ I thought of the practical side of things, and kept telling myself that I should not want children right now, being so financially unstable.
Regardless of the reasons I had always wanted children, I also always thought I was never going to have them, regardless of what some people thought, but as soon as one starts thinking practical, the impractical always happens…Let me start at the beginning: Tuesday, March 14, 2006. The date started out normal enough, with me getting off of work around 7:00am and coming home. Evelyn (or Evie for short), a friend of mine, was in town, and she and I ended up staying awake all day, despite my having already been awake for two days.
Such has been the way of things for me, but anyway, Evie and I went out and looked around at all the interesting sites that I rarely get a chance to enjoy and appreciate. At some point during the day, we came up with the idea that we needed to drink alcohol. Never mind the fact that I come from addicts, never mind the fact that we are both only twenty years of age, we wanted to drink. I asked boyfriend if he would purchase the accoutrements of a night of drinking, but he had no such desire…Smart man…Anyway, I called some random people that I knew, and none of them had so the desire to help us break the law and hurt our bodies.
None of them, that is, except Jack. I had realized not long after having known him, that he was not the kind of person I would ever have been involved with romantically, or even just physically, but, as a friend, I thought he was a pretty okay guy. He recently got himself fired from Wal-Mart for being intoxicated on the job, but that just made me think he had no future, it did not make him a bad person. Anyway, he wanted to be with us drinking if he purchased.
He is twenty-eight years of age, and has been drinking all his life. He is one of those drunks who can live a perfectly normal life under the influence, with the only exception being that look in his eyes that gives away his inebriated state. None of this alarmed me, apparently. I let him come over, and he and Evie and I spent hours drinking Tequila and Vodka and Bicardi and Rum and all kinds of stuff. Needless to say, we were all pretty gone, but Jack had always been able remain somewhat sober, and remember the events of an evening, even with as much as we’d had.
Evie and I were not so inclined. I was the worse off, the lack of sleep bearing down on me. At some point, I passed out on my futon in my bedroom, and Evie arranged me such that I would not aspirate. When I was sober, I had locked the doors so that no one could get into my bedroom from the bathroom, but drunk I unlocked them and didn’t think about it. At some point, he got up and went to the bathroom; at some point Evie came to check on me.
She thinks the time elapsed was merely a few minutes, but one can never be too sure, alcohol memories are strange like that. At any rate, when she walked into my room, he was over me, with my shirt and my skirt lifted up, his mouth on my breasts. She sobered immediately at the sight of this, and sent him home before she killed him. She then called boyfriend, and together they woke me up and called the cops. I spent time in the hospital getting a rape kit performed on me.
Part of the kit was to give me a pregnancy test, so that any medication they provided would not harm a developing fetus. The test came back positive! Just to ease boyfriend’s mind, as past girlfriends have lied to him about such things, I suggested we get a pregnancy test. We chose a clear-blue-easy digital, and it, too, came back positive. There on the screen it said Pregnant…So I am going to be a Mommy. I am trying not to think about negatives, such as money, the possibility of miscarriage, all the things I have already done that could have harmed this child…I am going to be happy about this, even if it hurts later…But I do not think anything bad will happen.
I think that this conception was meant to occur. I already love this child, though I have yet to meet him or her. If it is a boy, it will be named after boyfriend, because that is what he wants. If it is a girl, I have like a gazillion names that I like, but boyfriend and I should decide on it together. At any rate, suffice to say times are changing…
Will Smith–Now this is a story, all about how my life got flipped, turned upside-down, and I’d like to take a minute, so just sit right there…