I got home this morning to find puddles of random alcoholic drinks all over the floor in my apartment, drink cups in varying degrees of emptiness, coolers and bottles and shot glasses, limes and probably the remnants of puke, and the entire floor was sticky. My roommates threw a party last night to which I would not have been invited even had I not been working. The house is trashed and apparently some wild things occurred in my absence, and I was at work being a responsible adult whilst they were at home drinking their memories away and then passing out and over-sleeping, thus jeopardizing their own jobs. Of course it makes no sense for me to long to be privy to such activities, but it is not the disgusting overabundance of alcohol and quite possibly sex and drugs that I missed last night that bothers me, it is the camaraderie between my roommates. They are three college girls who have come to be close friends and I am the OTHER roommate, the one nobody likes and no one wants to hang out with, and this feeling does not go away when I get to work and find that not one of my coworkers so desires to sit with me at lunch or converse with me during break periods, and with my boyfriend always busy at his job and my family finding no reason to want to call me up at random and tell me that they love and miss me, I feel all alone and lonely. I suppose that for my family it is out of sight out of mind, and for my boyfriend the poor man has to work fifty some-odd hours a week just so he can keep up with finances, and perhaps my coworkers have just not gotten comfortable around me in six months, and perhaps my roommates have not gotten comfortable around me in six months, but it just makes me feel like I could drop off the face of the earth and not be missed, even though the rational me knows this not to be true. As for my job itself, I was miserable, but then it got better, and I just applied for a management position which, if I got it, would of course give me more responsibilities, but would also give me more money and better hours, and I would likely be closer to more promotions in the future, though I do not plan on making a career out of working at Wal-Mart, but it is nice to think that I could if I wanted to. I do not know, mayhap I just need to take a deep breath and count to ten and then start all over again…Whatever…Just so long as I do not let this drive me craaazy, but then that is not a very far drive now that I think about it, but you know, I have certainly come a long way in the past six months. I am taking back my life, building it from the ground up, starting over at the beginning. I was born physically into this world June tenth of the year nineteen-eighty-five, but today is February nineteenth of the year two-thousand-six and I am taking back my life. Starting today I am reborn. I can grow and learn and mature and become a real-live, honest-to-goodness, mature, adult woman someday, but it is all up to me, and I must, as they say, take it one day at a time. Joss Stone–You had me. You lost me. You’re wasted. You cost me. I don’t want you here messing with my mind. I’ve realized in time that my eyes are not blind. I’ve seen it before. I’m taking back my life.
View the full blog at heartchasms.blogspot.com and like the blog on Facebook.