Following The Heart And Photos Of Me

There are three photographs of me on my family’s blog Enscussions. If you want to see them, you can click Family Enscussions: Photos Of Ashley Ann.

It seems that I am two different people:

  • The first is a woman who craves action and adventure.
    • She is likely to pack up the bare necessities and hitchhike out of town without notice. 
    • She constantly changes her mind, flies by the seat of her pants.
    • She does not give herself time to think;
    • she acts first and reacts later.
    • She always says what is on her mind.
    • She is, of course, a loner;
    • familiarity breeds contentment and would stifle her plans to roam.
    • She identifies most with a wild stallion, with the ability to run free, and the raw sexual power of the stud horse.
    • She envies him the ability to mate without care, to take what he needs, get what he needs.
    • She never looks back;
    • when she rolls out of town you may never see her again, and if you do she may not even recognize you.
    • As it is, she barely recognizes herself.
    • She changes her surroundings so much, adapts to any given situation.
    • In that sense, she is more like a chameleon;
    • just as the chameleon changes his colors, so too does she change who she is to fit the people she is around, the places she chooses to wind up.
    • She trusts no one and relies on no one, believing fool-heartily that independence is the sole secret to her survival, up to the point when she needs help the most, and not a soul is around to save her from herself…
  • The second woman is more tame, more subdued.
    • She prefers grounded, down to earth activities.
    • She would never dream of packing up and moving without first making plans, setting things into motion.
    • She has to think every action through, plan each and every word to the slightest detail.
    • She craves the attention and love of human contact.
    • She must always be surrounded by individuals focusing exclusively on her.
    • She wants absolute intimate knowledge of those with whom she chooses to associate;
    • she will share with them her innermost secrets and fears and expect them to do the same.
    • The same care with which she plans her every thought and action is used in her sex life.
    • She would never have a one night stand or allow herself to kiss on the first date.
    • She would certainly never do anything wild or kinky.
    • Her sex life is private and intimate of course, not to be shared with strangers.
    • She tries very hard to be real and genuine, to be what she is supposed to be and nothing more.
    • Most of all, she tries to be consistent;
    • she is the same woman alone that she is in a crowded room, the same night and day, day in and day out.
    • She is content to be settled and stable.
    • Her big brown trusting eyes, her solid hearty form, her stable non-roaming self, the way she is willing to stay put, make her most like an old dairy cow who fool-heartily trusts her masters, right up to the slaughter house when she is too old to produce milk and fetches a handsome price as beef…

What act of deity or damnation pulled these two halves apart? What cosmic force could bring these two halves together?
Inspirational songs while writing this post:

Alabama–I missed her first steps, her first words, and, “I love you, Daddy,” is something I seldom heard. Oh, it hurts me so to watch my baby grow up in pictures.

Ani DiFranco–I am so many white people. I mean, where do I start? They’ve got lots of personalities. I just can’t tell them apart, and I never remember anything, except for those things which I never forget. You know, there’s no in between.

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