Happy Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day is here again. As per the usual, I spent too much money on someone else, but for Robert it is worth it. At least, since I have been with him, I have not had to spend my Valentine’s Day alone like the pathetic loser I always thought myself to be, acting surprised that I got a flower from a secret admirer with handwriting strikingly similar to my own…I cannot believe how fast time flies. Six months ago I left Robert in Arkansas so that I could start a new life in Texas without him; Twelve months ago I was miserable at college walking past him and not being able to talk to him because pride makes people do stupid things. He and I have been through hell, hail and high water in the past few years, but somehow it all seems worth it when I can look into his eyes and see someone who loves me. He either loves me or is clinically insane to be able to put up with the shit I have put him through. Last year, when Valentine’s Day rolled around, we had broken up because I committed the unforgivable sin of physical unfaithfulness. The both of us have been emotionally unfaithful to each other, which is just as bad of course, but to actually allow another body to do the things only you and your lover should do…Needless to say he had every reason to never speak to me again, but he did and we made up and then he left town and then I followed him and then I got jealous and left town and then I went back and then left again and then ended up here and after two weeks of no communication he and I talked again and somehow I found him moving here to the same town and I feel like fate has brought us both to this place and time and situation. I look forward to spending the rest of my life with this man and, when the time is right, bearing him many children. I look forward to many more Valentine’s Days, happy ones, but it is not just Valentine’s Day that is special for the both of us. We have always been so inclined to just give each other gifts whenever, to see something and say, “Here, this is for you, just because I love you!” The only thing about this year’s V-Day that brought me down was that I started my period on Sunday, so I cannot thoroughly consummate our love…No matter though, as that is not the sole basis for our relationship. He and I can spend hours together talking to each other, or we can sit in total silence if need be, which is very hard for me…I had a friend once tell me that there are two things that will let you know when you are in love: you can spend the whole night sleeping next to this person completely naked without even once doing anything even remotely sexual, and you can spend hours saying absolutely nothing and not be uncomfortable. I know that is not the definition of love, but it was her definition, and remembering it just got me thinking, what is MY definition of love? What do I think it means? I could start waxing poetic about all the things that Whitman, Dunn, Dickinson, and Shakespeare thought love was; I could quote Garth, Shania, Celine, and the Backstreet Boys; I could recite a scene from one of those mass market paperback romances I love to read; I could do all of those things, but I will not, because those things are not what I think love is. I think the most perfect definition I ever heard for love came from, of all places, the Christian Bible. Those who know me well know that I do not often feel so inclined to reference said text, much to the chagrin of mine relations, but for this special day, I will share with my two blog readers (Yes, I actually have two!) what 1 Corinthians 13:1-8 says, “If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ” Anyways, I have always liked that part. It simplifies to this: without love you are nothing and you have nothing if you have not love…As an interesting side note, while I was looking for that verse on the web I came across something that made me laugh. It is a website called God Hates Shrimp…But I digress. I was talking about love, not hate. Love is being comfortable; it is happiness; it is making up after a disagreement; it is knowing when to let him win the fights; it is protecting each others feelings at times, and at other times being brutally honest; it is never being afraid of each other; it is sharing and caring; it is sentimental and sappy and yes, at times, even cruel; love can be a sharp and painful arrow through the heart at times; a roller coaster that jumps the track at the top of the highest point…But it is fun. It is fun and funny and sometimes you feel like a nut and sometimes you don’t and it melts in your mouth and not in your hands and it drives you insane and you drive your friends insane when you will not shut up about the person you love. Love makes you do things like pack up every thing you own and move to a place you have never been just to be with the one you love. It makes you want to give up everything you ever thought was important just for the one you love. It consumes you, encompasses you, until all you can think about, everything you do, your whole world and life and being is for that person. He becomes your sole reason for being and you are without a soul without him. When you are in love you are lucky to be there, and whether it is a brief and passing phase or a lifetime of happiness, that love is the glue that holds the fragile little pieces of you together, and if it is gone it tears you into a million tiny pieces and all the kings horses and all the kings men could not put you back together again and you cry and you cry and you cry and you yell and you yell and you yell and it hurts so much that you think you are going to die, and if it is real true one-hundred-percent complete love it comes back to you and you are so happy to have it back that you will say and do and give anything for it to stay that way, but if it is not meant to be and it does not come back you get over it and you go on with your life and you find someone new and the ride starts all over again and you treasure each new encounter like it is the first and most precious time and it is…Anyway, I am so happy to be in love on Valentine’s Day. I love Robert so very much. Last year Valentine’s Day was horrible to see him and not be able to talk to him or touch him or hold him ever so close…It broke my heart. But this year is different, and so too shall ever-after be. Faith Hill and Tim McGraw–How can you just walk on by without one tear in your eye. Don’t you have the slightest feelings left for me? Maybe that’s just your way of dealing with the pain, forgetting everything between our rise and fall, like we never loved at all.

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