Yesterday, I paid forty dollars to apply to Texas State University @ San Marcos. Then the whole day, while I tried to sleep for work, my mind kept telling me I had wasted my money, that it was a bad idea, that I could have purchased groceries or paid the electric bill or some other such mindless drivel. I say it was mindless drivel, because I had already taken care of everything. In reality, I ended up with a couple hundred ‘extra’ dollars this pay period. I could have stuck them in savings, but I chose to spend some on applying for college, and some on groceries, and since Valentine’s Day is on Tuesday I feel the need to get something for Robert, but I do not know what to get him. Anyway, my mind will not stop talking. I guess it makes sense, because everyone knows that I talk too damn much, but I hate that when I am trying to sleep for work I wake up every hour on the hour, toss and turn, drink some water, go to the bathroom, toss and turn some more, drift off to sleep, repeat process…I had four days off a while back, and I slept for the first three; I only got out of bed for restroom/meal breaks. I talk too much during my waking hours, and I think too much during the hours in which I am to sleep. How do I turn off my brain? Is there a switch I can flip? During the day I annoy the hell out of otherwise innocent bystanders, because I will not cease and desist with my incessant chatter long enough for them to make the excuses necessary in order to relieve themselves of the misery that is me. When I should be sleeping, I annoy the hell out of myself thinking out loud. I hold long, detailed conversations with myself. Myself and I talk about politics, religion, and the weather. We talk about the past, the present, and the future. We talk about friends, family, Robert, ex-friends, people who are no longer family, ex-lovers…Heck! We even talk about people I do not even know. Myself and I discuss what I am going to eat when I get up, and what I need to buy, and what I need to quit spending money on, and what I have already wasted money on, and where I can get more money, and why money is so important. Myself and I talk about everything under the sun, moon, and stars; then we talk about the sun, moon, and stars. Sometimes, I need a third opinion, so me, myself, and I will have a long chat. The three of us will just laugh and laugh about a joke one of us told, even though we have all heard it before…Am I revealing too much here? I mean, how crazy is it that I talk to myself and me all the time? Is it crazy that I hear voices and see things and argue with myself about what it is I heard or saw? There are times when I hear someone calling my name; it is a voice I recognize, so I seek out the person, only to find that there is no one about, or that the person in question did not in fact call my name, and did not hear anyone else call my name either. There are times when I will feel someone watching me, but I will be the only visible body in the room; times when I will see someone or something out of the corner of my eye, but when I turn to get a closer look whoever or whatever it was has disappeared. Am I crazy for hearing voices, seeing phantoms? Am I insane? And here I go thinking too much, typing too much, which is the same thing as talking too much. Will it ever end? Will I ever sleep in peace, or will there be time enough for sleeping when I am dead and gone?
Oh, you talk too much. Just give it a rest. After all this time, it doesn’t make much sense that I gotta take your word we ain’t in no rush. One more night and a lame excuse ain’t gonna change my mind. No, it ain’t no use. I give you my love, and I don’t get your magic touch. Oh, you talk too much!