If Johnny Depp were drunk one night and he called you out of the blue and asked you to come over, would you? What about someone who looked strikingly similar to Johnny Depp?
I know this guy who looks like him, and he called me drunk the other night, and I didn’t go over there, which is good because I have a boyfriend whom I love and adore and also the guy wasn’t even home when he called me.
Anyway, I really don’t have a strong set of morals regarding fidelity. I mean, I try my damnedest to be faithful to my partner, but in the past I have been known to transgress and if I were ever alone with Johnny Depp I think it would be damn hard to remain faithful, but this guy isn’t Johnny Depp, so why does it matter?
Maybe it’s because I sometimes think that if three years have gone by, three years of ups and downs and all-arounds have gone by, and I’m still not married and I have no children and we’re not even calling each other “My Fiance” then maybe this is as good as it gets.
Maybe it won’t get any better than the passably-good sex and the fights and the tender moments and the bad sex that you say is good so you won’t hurt his feelings and the great sex that you wish happened all the time and the sex that you cry after and the crying in general and the nights you cry yourself to sleep after eating a pound of chocolate and the crying in his arms and the times you sleep in his bed with his arms around you and y’all are snuggled close to each other and the times you sleep in separate beds and the times one of you sleeps on the couch because you had a fight and the sleepless nights and the times you sleep for days…Maybe that’s all there is to it.
But is this what a relationship is supposed to be? Or is it the happy all the time love stories you read about but never live? Is the reason I fantasize about Johnny Depp because everyone has fantasies or because I really wish this look-alike and I could hook up? Am I obsessing over this too much?
I mean, I love Robert, don’t I? And he loves me, doesn’t he? So what is the problem? What am I so goddamned afraid of anyhow? My family would say to pray about it; Robert would say to quit thanking so much; my sister would tell me to dump Robert and see what my options are; my friends would tell me to quit whining or change what I’m whining about; I would say that I don’t know what the hell I want and then I would argue with myself and I would end up crying and I would have to sleep on the couch because I couldn’t share a bed with myself after such a big fight but then the makeup sex would be great…But anyways…I really don’t know what I want.
I don’t know why I take so much time out of my day worrying about things that haven’t happened yet and things that happened a long time ago and things that may never happen. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me. I want what I can’t have; I’m not satisfied with what I’ve got, but when it’s gone I miss it terribly and call it all the time and send it sad letters and postcards that say, “Wish you were here!” and I really shouldn’t be like that. I should grow up…Eventually.
I don’t know if anyone out there in cyber-land even reads these rantings, let alone anyone I know, but if Robert reads this he’ll no doubt have reason to be upset with me. I don’t know why it’s so goddamn hard for him and I to tell each other the truth about things. I don’t know why guys lie, and I don’t know why other girls lie either, but I know why I lie.
I lie or omit certain aspects of the truth when I’m afraid telling the truth would hurt myself or the person with whom I am conversing. Is that wrong? Who the hell knows what’s right anymore?
I love playing The Sims. I know, I’m addicted. But it’s so much fun to control the lives of a whole city full of people. I just bought the Sims for my PC with all six expansion packs. Now I have Sim pets and magical Sims and Sims on dates and famous Sims and Sims that go shopping all the time. I love controlling what they say and do and think and feel.
I don’t always feel in control of my own life, but I can be in control of theirs, and if some of them die it doesn’t hurt anyone. I once left a family of Sims running on ‘free will’ for a long time and when I came back to them they were all dead, and I didn’t even get to see how they died.
That kind of bothered me, because I like to see them suffer sometimes, as sadistic as that sounds. It’s kind of funny, though. In Sim-world, I am their god. I am who they look to for all their basic needs and frivolous wants. I say who lives and dies and where and why and how and who owns what and who doesn’t and how much money they make and what job they have.
In short, Sims are like religious people who’ve put all their faith in someone they cannot see or hear or feel or even taste or smell for that matter.
And what happens when you put all your faith in an omniscient being? They fail you. Despite their supposed all-knowing, all-seeing abilities, sometimes they just can’t be in two places at once, else they just don’t give enough of a damn to do anything about it.
Guess what happens to religious folk when they are diseased and they say, “Forget doctors, I’ll just ignore it and let my deity take care of it…” They get sick and much more sick until they die. If they do suddenly get better it’s because their body, science, chemistry, or magic somehow happened to fix it.
Servants of a deity aren’t going to be treated like royalty. No one ever treated servants kindly. I know it seems funny that I am debunking deities, but I still believe in magic. Well everyone needs something to believe in, and magic seems far more plausible than some big guy sitting up there waiting for us all to die so he can create more of us to fuck with.
At least magic is something that I could see; there are plenty of magicians and mages and witches and warlocks and wizards and psychics and ghosts and things around that I know the ‘paranormal’ world isn’t so damn paranormal after all.
Yes, I think God is real, but I also think Zeus and Hera and Hades and Freya and Freyr and Frigg and Heimdall and Branwen and Camalus and Danu and Flidais and Cerridwen and Gwydion and Futsu-Nushi-no-Kami all exist. Whatever a body believes in is real.
Therefore if my god were a big purple dinosaur then such would be true and the dinosaur would exist. My god is not a big purple dinosaur, though. I’m just saying that anyone can believe in anything and it will be true for them.
Inspirational music when writing this post:
Terri Clark–Girls lie, too. We don’t care how much money you make, what you drive, or what you weigh. Size don’t matter anyway. Girls lie, too. Don’t think you’re the only ones who bend it, break it, stretch it some. We learn from you. Girls lie, too!
Audio Adrenaline–Buddha was a fat man, so what! Mohammed thought he had a plan, I guess not! A Hindu god is an, old cow! You could be a god if ya, knew how!