I think my family has disowned me. I tried to look at the family blog and it doesn’t exist unless I go to my grandmother’s private blog first. Have the lewd comments I make on my own blog banned me from my family? Have they just simply forgotten about me? Why would they revoke my membership to the family blog. In this era it would be the same thing as not inviting me to a family reunion.
Perhaps I am over-thinking this a bit. I’ve been know to do that. It is just that my sanity seems to be slipping away as of late, and I am helpless to stop it. I opened the fridge this morning and realized that all of my food was about to expire. I bought salad supplies with every intention of using them to start a healthy new diet and exercise routine, but I have spent the past two days lying in bed eating Reese’s peanut butter cups and sleeping.
I got up a few times to eat something more substantial or to go to the bathroom. The most exercise I got was to go check the mail, and yesterday morning a Marine recruiter knocked on my door to ask me how serious I was about joining the Marines. The truth is, I don’t know what the hell I want to do with my life, but I have to do something.
My boss threatened me on the phone this morning that if I didn’t come to work on my days off then I would not get a full-time position. I know he has no right to do this, but it hurts me that I bust my ass for this company but since I don’t kiss ass I don’t get anywhere. A co-worker who works one-fifth the speed I work and is twice as old as I am got a better raise than I did at our last evaluation even though we were both hired at the exact same time and were hired to do the exact same job.
I hate my job, and I hate the life I am living, but rather than get up off my fat, lazy ass and do something about it I find myself spending two days sleeping day and night and eating chocolate–how does that make any sense? I know, it doesn’t. I’m just one of those people who would rather spend more energy complaining about her life than fixing it.
Just now I got up, brushed my teeth, put some clothes on, and walked the long distance of about fifty feet to the computer lab so that I could sit upon my buttocks and type this blog, check my email and bank balance, and do absolutely nothing worthwhile. I could, of course, walk an additional ten feet to the free gym that is part of my rental incentive, but I’m lazy. No doubt after this blog is published I will walk back to my apartment and crawl back into bed, thinking to take a short nap, and before I know it the hours will have passed me by and it will be time to wake up and get ready for bed. I really should do something about all of this, but a salad is more expensive than a cheese burger and it doesn’t taste as great.
Then there is the matter of my relationship. I know I love this man. I cannot seem to find a way to allow myself to live without him, but I worry all the time about the stability of our relationship, which only serves to make it even more unstable. I want to marry him and settle down, but that is not what he wants, and I don’t know why. If I went off and joined the Military, would he be here when I got back? Would I find him here with his arms spread wide waiting for me, or would I find more tears in my eyes and more fare-thee-wells? I wish I could know how things would be, but you cannot plan your life to the letter, because then it will always disappoint you. You just have to keep your arms and heart opened wide, ready for the next big thing.
Creed-We’ve seen our share of ups and downs. Oh! How quickly life can turn around in an instant. It feels so good to reunite within yourself and within your mind, let’s find peace there. When you are with me I’m free, I’m careless, I believe. Above all the others we’ll fly; this brings tears to my eyes, my sacrifice.