Pennies And Pain

A plain plane or pane of pain pennies.

Pain is. Whether it be real or imagined, mental or physical, it just is. It exists, and nothing can be done about it. But I am of the mind that pain can subside, given time, given love.

Laughter, they say, is the best medicine. I don’t know who they are, or why I should believe them, but I know that laughter burns calories, and that in and of itself seems like a healthy move. Sex also burns those pesky calories, but sex is nothing without love and when I don’t feel loved, I feel pain and pain is.

Therefore, if I were to feel loved unconditionally, the pain would go away, and all would be well in my narrow and naive little world. It is not that no one truly loves me, for surely my family does, and surely the man with whom I share the most intimate parts of myself tells not a lie when he proclaims to me his undying love, but it does not always feel as if these things are true. And when so much else is going wrong in my world, money, school, work and all my basic needs not being met or reaching their full potential, this is when I really need to feel loved.

The infamous “they” would tell me that I can never truly love another person until I love myself, but I know I love this other person with all my heart and soul, part of me knows he loves me, but the part of me that loves to hurt myself keeps conjuring up reasons why he cannot possibly love me, and the cycle of pain continues. I need some clarity, some confirmation, some hope, some drugs, some therapy, something to ease my cold and troubled mind. But I find none of these comes easily and none of this comes cheap.

Hell, I don’t even come easily. My vagina is numb to sex, even with love, it is not until I or my lover constantly massages my clitoris while I mentally chant something along the lines of, “…The great and powerful orgasm…” that I can climax, and sometimes that doesn’t even work.

And, speaking of work, my job is boring, but I cannot quit because we’re poor. I already owe gobs of money to a loan company, but part of me wants to take out another loan just to get by. Maybe it’s just my chaos complex acting up, but it seems like my world is crashing around me.

Alan Jackson–If everybody everywhere had a lighter load to bear, and a little bigger piece of the pie, that’d be all right!

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